The Way I Am

It’s the perennial question of self doubt that doesn’t seem to go away, even after 3 years of our D/s relationship (3 years?! yes I know, it surprised me too). Is what I’m doing as a Dominant partner good enough and am I even the right sort of person for the job?

Since littlegem is not only my sub but also my wife I would like to think that she sees me as the right person. Given that we have such an intimate relationship I don’t want to take for granted the responsibility that is bestowed upon me to look after her wellbeing.

After all isn’t the primary purpose of being the Dominant looking after her needs? Being the guide for her, making the decisions that she doesn’t want or have to. It’s all very much easier said than done, many obstacles can get in the way and when things aren’t going well then it’s the responsibility of the leader to steer that ship to clearer waters.

The Way I Am

I am not the extroverted alpha type, far from it. I am a planner, a worrier, obsessive and not good at dealing with disappointment. I care way too much about what people might think about me. I am scatty and often get nervous or anxious over stupid things. On the outside I can be a quiet listener, on the inside my head is usually whirring away with ideas and thoughts that have no need to be there. Typically I’m running through scenarios of what should have or could happen in any given event. 

Only last week littlegem had gone out and hadn’t returned in the time I thought it would take. Obviously I had panicked about the worst and she may have been surprised when I replied to her message of being fine by saying “yay, you’re alive.” 

If only I could remove that emotional attachment then maybe I could be a better Dom, tell her I should have known when she was coming back and used it as leverage for punishment etc, but no, that’s not how our relationship works, that’s not how I work. If a D/s relationship is going to work out it has to fit around our personalities. 

The Caregiver Dom

At this moment in time I would say we are in a passive stage of our D/s dynamic. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, more that the physical parts of our dynamic, formal play scenes etc don’t play as much of a part. Instead my role focuses more on emotional care giving, because it is important to look after her and I find purpose in being supportive. 

Taking responsibility away from her by taking on additional roles does feel like I am looking after her. She has a lot to do, so I feel a duty to step in and help out when she needs it most and I know she appreciates it. Often she’ll need help with decisions and that I am needed to pass final judgement. 

A by product of her submission is that I want her to feel sexy. There is a lot of resistance from her I do find this frustrating and challenging at times. Those obstacles are not easily overcome and it can feel more like managing an ever changing situation, I have to adapt to the conditions presented and take the appropriate steps. Of course communication is vital when things fluctuate so much. A critical reason that we set out to talk about how we feel in a structured weekly chat and I enjoy routine structure wherever I can find it. 

Self Evaluation 

As well as our weekly chats, I find myself constantly self evaluating, I am critical of myself because I want to do better. I am of the belief that I can always do better and am disappointed if I don’t have the energy or the motivation to improve. Being a Dominant is a huge responsibility and the perks if being allowed to take control shouldn’t be taken for granted. 

Being a Dom is hard work, but that is because that is who I am. If it was easy, then I’m simply not trying hard enough. Ultimately, that drive and desire to be the best I can is the goal I should be happy with. The emotional investment of being a married couple, with children, creates a lot of difficulties that challenge our D/s, but that is no reason to give up on it. That can be seen in the growth of our relationship over the last 3 years and hopefully will continue for many more. 



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18 Replies to “The Way I Am

  1. While we are not in a Dom/sub relationship, I am the dominant one. Add to that all the other responsibilities a man has to always have the answers and it can be a lot. As the Dominant one in a relationship, us men often do not have a network or anyone to lean on. In today’s society, men experience this lack of fellow men to bounce things off of. We no longer have male spaces to make these connections. In times when it gets to be overwhelming, we are often on our own. While my wife is perfectly capable of handling them, I do not like to put my worries on her plate. Appearing weak to a woman is an attraction killer. An occasional helping hand is acceptable, but if it becomes the norm they may begin to question if you are the man for the job. It’s not bad, it’s just thousands of years of programing…. I am still working through all of this myself. For the most part I suck it up and find an outlet, the gym, writing, reading, whatever changes my mindset. Find something to calm your mind. Often when you come back to what was worrying you you will find it was more an issue in your mind than in reality. This may help or it may not, it is just what I find can change my mood or attitude and deflect worries and concerns.

    1. I think the helping hand is more about being part of the team, and when one of us needs help the other steps up. I know she would for me. I think a lot is o do with communication, but I do agree that men generally need to be more open with each other.

  2. I can see the strain it puts on you, especially since you are an emotional person. I am sure it also puts strain on Master T, but since he is less of an emotional person, I don’t think he double-guesses himself, or constantly self-evaluate. That said, life does have a way of getting in the way, and even though we don’t want that to happen, it does. Don’t be too hard on yourself, I am sure you are doing better than you give yourself credit for 🙂
    ~ Marie xox

  3. The wonderful thing about our D/s relationships is that they are all so different. If it was a one size fits all it wouldn’t hold the appeal. It is hard being an emotional dominant and a worrier to top it off. All we can do is keep doing what we know works for our relationships and strive for more when the time/situation allows.

    1. I would like to think that being the emotional dominant is a positive, although others may not see it that way 😅. Thank you ☺️

  4. Comparisons to others and to ideals are often not helpful. You are clearly happy, both of you, and have found a way that works. Being the Dom in a relationship shouldn’t mean you have to change your personality. Those traits are the things which attracted gem to you and keep her wanting you. To me it is more about being the one to lead and direct in a way which suits and there are many different styles. It’s about balance and having roles which compliment each other and so, to me, it sounds like you are doing a great job. I was surprised at 3 years too. Wow time does fly. Missy x

  5. I always love your reflective posts, and you know, even if my Master doesn’t always read blogposts anymore, he definitely would be able to relate to a lot of the things you have written here, especially when it comes to self-doubt, emotional attachment, caregiving and adapting to new situations!
    Also, this is such a sensually beautiful picture of Gem!

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