It’s the perennial question of self doubt that doesn’t seem to go away, even after 3 years of our D/s relationship (3 years?! yes I know, it surprised me too). Is what I’m doing as a Dominant partner good enough and am I even the right sort of person for the job?
Since littlegem is not only my sub but also my wife I would like to think that she sees me as the right person. Given that we have such an intimate relationship I don’t want to take for granted the responsibility that is bestowed upon me to look after her wellbeing.
After all isn’t the primary purpose of being the Dominant looking after her needs? Being the guide for her, making the decisions that she doesn’t want or have to. It’s all very much easier said than done, many obstacles can get in the way and when things aren’t going well then it’s the responsibility of the leader to steer that ship to clearer waters.
The Way I Am
I am not the extroverted alpha type, far from it. I am a planner, a worrier, obsessive and not good at dealing with disappointment. I care way too much about what people might think about me. I am scatty and often get nervous or anxious over stupid things. On the outside I can be a quiet listener, on the inside my head is usually whirring away with ideas and thoughts that have no need to be there. Typically I’m running through scenarios of what should have or could happen in any given event.
Only last week littlegem had gone out and hadn’t returned in the time I thought it would take. Obviously I had panicked about the worst and she may have been surprised when I replied to her message of being fine by saying “yay, you’re alive.”
If only I could remove that emotional attachment then maybe I could be a better Dom, tell her I should have known when she was coming back and used it as leverage for punishment etc, but no, that’s not how our relationship works, that’s not how I work. If a D/s relationship is going to work out it has to fit around our personalities.
The Caregiver Dom
At this moment in time I would say we are in a passive stage of our D/s dynamic. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, more that the physical parts of our dynamic, formal play scenes etc don’t play as much of a part. Instead my role focuses more on emotional care giving, because it is important to look after her and I find purpose in being supportive.
Taking responsibility away from her by taking on additional roles does feel like I am looking after her. She has a lot to do, so I feel a duty to step in and help out when she needs it most and I know she appreciates it. Often she’ll need help with decisions and that I am needed to pass final judgement.
A by product of her submission is that I want her to feel sexy. There is a lot of resistance from her I do find this frustrating and challenging at times. Those obstacles are not easily overcome and it can feel more like managing an ever changing situation, I have to adapt to the conditions presented and take the appropriate steps. Of course communication is vital when things fluctuate so much. A critical reason that we set out to talk about how we feel in a structured weekly chat and I enjoy routine structure wherever I can find it.
As well as our weekly chats, I find myself constantly self evaluating, I am critical of myself because I want to do better. I am of the belief that I can always do better and am disappointed if I don’t have the energy or the motivation to improve. Being a Dominant is a huge responsibility and the perks if being allowed to take control shouldn’t be taken for granted.
Being a Dom is hard work, but that is because that is who I am. If it was easy, then I’m simply not trying hard enough. Ultimately, that drive and desire to be the best I can is the goal I should be happy with. The emotional investment of being a married couple, with children, creates a lot of difficulties that challenge our D/s, but that is no reason to give up on it. That can be seen in the growth of our relationship over the last 3 years and hopefully will continue for many more.