This is part 4 of a week long diary, covering real life events and thoughts over 7 days. To start from the beginning click here.
Littlegem isn’t feeling great, she has a headache and describes herself as being irritable. This is when I feel most lost and it can be easy to feel detached. There isn’t much I can do, I can offer pain medication (which she refuses) and I can be supportive but other than that I feel like an element of control is gone. I know it’s only temporary but I feel guilty that I’m not able to help her overcome how she’s feeling. I know it’s a battle I’ll never win. It’s less about Dom and sub and more about one partner supporting another and that’s fine. We say goodbye to each other in the morning like we always do.
“Who’s are you?”
“I am yours”
It’s comforting to know that we have the rituals to fall back on, otherwise you can be forgiven for thinking that this is no power exchange there, not in this moment at least.
Later in the day her emotions become more erratic, ranging from aggressive and bordering on disrespectful to sad and needy. There is only so much I can do from my workspace and I do worry. It is inevitable that outside circumstances will create issues out of our control, managing the issues they bring is the difficult part.
By the time I have got home she seems to have calmed down. An embrace confirmed she still needed my care but at least now I was physically present to help and a nice evening was a welcome distraction. It was a special evening as it was Bonfire night and littlegem had pulled out all the stops to create a magical evening for children, despite the need to stay indoors. She had made fun food and planned the entertainment so that the children could still see fireworks even though we weren’t going to a show. Maybe all the planning takes a toll, but I am proud of the effort she put in.
Later we spoke to some friends on video chat, a chance to relax and chat with a bottle of wine too. We’re not big drinkers especially on a school night, but it was fancied given the prior circumstances.
Breaking the Law
Maybe she forget herself, maybe she didn’t care but during this chat she swore 6 times, despite being reminded for every infraction. Yes it feels disrespectful that she is ignoring rules I have set, but at least it gives me a chance to show my dominance later.
With it being late by the time we finish again the cane is used in the bedroom. This time it is 30 strikes, 5 for each time the rule was broken. The first 10 are manageable but she still winces, the next 10 she is saying ‘ow’ and telling me that I’m hurting her. But at this moment her words mean little, it’s not that I’m angry (otherwise I wouldn’t be punishing her), I just don’t have the sympathy to stop or be more gentle. I have become a little distanced from her emotionally, that has probably helped in regards to being firm with her. Nearing the end she rolls around in pain after each strike and is told to get back into position until the punishment is finished. She is reminded to say thank you afterwards and although she didn’t like it I feel that she accepted her punishment. Whether that forces a change in behaviour remains to be seen.