Kink can mean many things to different people, if we take kink to mean a person’s unusual sexual preference then it makes sense that the unique human experience we have can determine a variety of actions and experiences that lead to our brains producing the chemicals needed to provide sexual and emotional fulfilment.
So when it comes to thinking ‘what is kinky?’, especially within a vanilla setting there are a few basics that easily come to mind, blindfolds and furry handcuffs for a bit of slap and tickle with maybe a bullet vibrator. My information comes from a genuine work conversation and although my sample size is hardly valid it represents a view of work is deemed kinky for them.
Now if they think a bullet vibrator has a part of sex life then they’re in for a shock when they see the collection of vibrating, sucking and swirling toys we have. Then same goes for the furry cuffs, replaced with ropes and thick leather cuffs attached to a sex table.
But blindfolds or masks have been left off the table and it may seem strange given all the other kinks we are into. It’s important to note that everyone is different, everyone has their own limits and those limits are perfectly valid. Those limits can remain hard or with discussion can be pushed in a consenting way.
Pushing the Boundary
Littlegem has her own reasons for not liking blindfolds and that’s fine. I know that she is the kind of person that needs to know what’s going on. This isn’t just within a kink setting this is part of our everyday life, needing to know what is going on and needing to see for herself. A constant need for information from me has at times brought me down. Having to give details about what I’m doing feels like an invasion of privacy and it has taken a lot of conversation to get over our own feelings on the matter. The best way she has described it so far is that of a lost child, worried and in need of reassurance that everything will be okay.
By not using blindfolds it allows her to watch and make her own decisions. She wants to see when the needles go into her skin, she wants to watch herself in the mirror. Ultimately it feels like a level of control to me that means that some limits can only be pushed so far. A verbal command to close her eyes will be heeded for as long as necessary but it doesn’t feel the same as taking the option of sight away through my actions in a way that she relies on me to give her the ability to see again. Having that fail-safe to be able to open her eyes if she really needs to feels to me like an element of control she needs hold onto. As a Dom I want to feel she has complete faith in me, however in this regard I cannot do so.
Not Going in Blind
A plan was therefore made. The reasons for wanting littlegem to wear a blindfold were made along with a reasoning as to why I think it may be of benefit to us both. By having a discussion about it we were able to establish that she was indeed willing to give it go, albeit tentatively. But the fact that she wanted to be pushed was progress in itself and I am proud of that attitude. Had she not that would have been perfectly acceptable too.
I set out a series of challenges for littlegem to make her feel comfortable wearing a blindfold. As per our discussion it was important to state that I would be physically touching her at all times to make her feel safe and to provide verbal support to comfort her. It would become clear that wearing a blindfold makes her feel vulnerable so it is important to take her concerns seriously.
The first task was to wear the blindfold for 10 minutes, during this time we would cuddle and I would stroke her hair, telling her what a good girl she was being. The hope being that positive reinforcement will retrain her into associating having her sight taken away with a sexual experience. Ultimately the aim would be to create a pavlovian response that would aid in a change of mindset to that of a submissive that is able to relinquish control more readily than as current. Every day that followed had a similar pattern, albeit with a twist, 10 minutes whilst playing with her body, 10 minutes whilst sucking my cock etc. Setting up these challenges as a daily task strengthened my own feelings as she readily wanted to please me by doing the tasks that I had set out.
Results of the Blind Trial
With the aim of this exercise to get littlegem more comfortable with wearing a blindfold km glad with the process that has been made. She has been wearing it everyday for the last few days and has done so for at least 10 minutes, more often than not going longer. In that regard littlegem has been a good girl, taking her fear and allowing me to take more control away from her.
What has been interesting is the change I have seen in myself. I have been the driver in this change for a reason. One of the biggest problems I have is getting into the right mindset to be Dominant. Of recent I haven’t been as present as I have wanted and my focus hasn’t been on all elements of our D/s. Distinguishing a line between the everyday life stuff and the Dom and sub interaction has become blurred. Having a challenge to push her has reignited a focus in me, which has a benefit on us both as our emotions bounce off each other.
I have really enjoyed putting a blindfold on her. Part of the reason is that it allows me time to think, I can assess what is going on in real time, even look panicked about what to do next, all with the illusion that I know what I’m doing with certainty.
But the serious reason for it is that by having her blindfold is that it helps me disassociate littlegem the wife from littlegem the sub. They are two entities that have differing needs. Wife gem needs love, care and for me to be intensive to the everyday stuff life throws at us, looking after the children, work etc. Littlegem the sub also wants love and care, but also an ability to push her limits.
In the case of her sucking my cock for 10 minutes she did so dutifully. She was instructed to take her time and feel comfortable. Once the time was up she was given an out, we could stop there and she could have her praise and be done. But instead she carried on, this time taking me deeper. But it wasn’t necessarily the change in her, it was the change in me that facilitated it. No longer was she a person with emotions, she was a sexual object to be used for my pleasure. This meant grabbing the back of her head and using her mouth as a sex toy for my own needs. She would gag and I wouldn’t hesitate (as much) as I would normally. Obviously after every such time we would discuss what happened and whether she was okay with it, which she was.
What was originally about her become more about me. I know that the limit to our play is usually my own reservation, not wanting to hurt her or do anything to overstep thereby staying cautiously away from soft limits. It can be difficult to step away from the natural instinct to nurture and care for her but my masking her face part of what stops me is reduced. I would love to take things further, to buy a hood so that she is completely covered with only a hole for her mouth. But that depends entirely on how comfortable both of us are.
Maybe it turns out that my unusual sexual preference is for her a body to be stripped of emotions and personality as I become accustomed to. A sexual fantasy based on playing with a submissive rather than a wife to really get me in the right frame of mind.