‘And be yourself is all that you can do
To be yourself is all that you can do’
– Be Yourself by Audioslave
If there is one thing I worry about most, it is that I am not good enough. That not matter how well or not I can always do better. Maybe that’s something competitive in me, pushing me to improve and to never except that I should settle with my own achievements. But it is worry, it is that feeling of pressure that is entirely self driven.
This week I am off work. Hooray you may say, and yes it is nice to be at home. The weather and schooling commitments mean that not a lot is really happening, its just time spent at home with family, which is a nice change of pace. Of course its more time with littlegem too during the day. Like it or not this changes the D/s in my eyes.
Usually I go to work, keep myself busy, get as much done as I can as that makes the day go faster. I make my own targets and try to get my own planned list of duties finished before I leave off in the evening. On top of this I maintain a connection with gem via messaging as well as others in my breaks. This forms part of the care package to her, making sure she is OK and knowing that I am thinking of her and helping with how she is feeling. This is very much also for me, there are just some days where you don’t want to be at work and having a loved one telling you that it’s OK and knowing that they are there for you makes a huge difference. We have our support network and that works fine. It strengthens our role as Dominant and submissive and allows me to work, to feel purpose and come home ready later on.
But now I’m at home again and while I don’t have the pressures of work I also don’t have the feeling of purpose. The house is gem’s domain, and it feels odd being there. I try to make myself useful, by helping doing household tasks and doing school run duties. But it doesn’t make me feel in control, it simply stops me feeling less of a dead weight.
This returns me to my thoughts of being good enough. How can I do better and improve myself? Being a Dom in a family situation is entirely different to one where it is just myself and littlegem. My role is to remove the weight of everyday life and lead one that is happier for her. If that means doing little jobs around the house and freeing up time then surely that does that. It isn’t sexy, but it’s part of the fulfilment we give each other, everyone has shit they’d rather not do.
When it is a sexual situation, just littlegem and I, then that pressure returns. This time the fulfilment is about an experience that takes away control or gives intimacy, whatever our needs may be. I have always felt that this has been the weakest part of my Dominance. I can cuddle and support and give emotional support if needed. But be so sexually dominant that I take her out of her headspace like an alpha Dom that knows exactly what to do, exactly what to say that’ll make her melt, no.
I’m capable, I know that because I’ve done it. But not every time, and I know I’m giving myself unrealistic expectations to think that it should always be perfect. I put pressure on myself and that’s where I can fall down. Being a person I believe I should be over the person I am, because if I’m not good enough I need to try harder. I should know better, that I am good enough and that ultimately me doing what I want when I want it should be the way it goes, it just doesn’t work that way.
Littlegem’s desires go deeper than mine, I know that. She wants to be hit harder, to be humiliated more than I give her to feel a deeper dominance. By trying to give her what she wants am I being disingenuous to myself and ultimately creating a negative experience for us both? Yes is probably the answer to that, the sexual play that goes well is the one that stems from me feeling comfortable with what I’m doing. Usually the deeper and more intense sensations follow from the comfort of being in my own right headspace, rather than falsely committing to it. Being myself is important, but that can be easy to forget. I also still feel have far to go in identifying my own personality, what it is that makes me.
Thinking that deeper and intense is somehow better is the fallacy that I allow myself to feel pressure from. D/s is much more than seeing how hard I can hit my sub with a stick. It’s about how well I can manage her emotions, this means all of the time. The everyday life, not just the sexy play life. Supporting her and being a partnership by being who I am, to be yourself is all that you can do.