Be Yourself

Be Yourself

‘And be yourself is all that you can do

To be yourself is all that you can do’

– Be Yourself by Audioslave

If there is one thing I worry about most, it is that I am not good enough. That not matter how well or not I can always do better. Maybe that’s something competitive in me, pushing me to improve and to never except that I should settle with my own achievements. But it is worry, it is that feeling of pressure that is entirely self driven.

This week I am off work. Hooray you may say, and yes it is nice to be at home. The weather and schooling commitments mean that not a lot is really happening, its just time spent at home with family, which is a nice change of pace. Of course its more time with littlegem too during the day. Like it or not this changes the D/s in my eyes.

Usually I go to work, keep myself busy, get as much done as I can as that makes the day go faster. I make my own targets and try to get my own planned list of duties finished before I leave off in the evening. On top of this I maintain a connection with gem via messaging as well as others in my breaks. This forms part of the care package to her, making sure she is OK and knowing that I am thinking of her and helping with how she is feeling. This is very much also for me, there are just some days where you don’t want to be at work and having a loved one telling you that it’s OK and knowing that they are there for you makes a huge difference. We have our support network and that works fine. It strengthens our role as Dominant and submissive and allows me to work, to feel purpose and come home ready later on.

But now I’m at home again and while I don’t have the pressures of work I also don’t have the feeling of purpose. The house is gem’s domain, and it feels odd being there. I try to make myself useful, by helping doing household tasks and doing school run duties. But it doesn’t make me feel in control, it simply stops me feeling less of a dead weight.

This returns me to my thoughts of being good enough. How can I do better and improve myself? Being a Dom in a family situation is entirely different to one where it is just myself and littlegem. My role is to remove the weight of everyday life and lead one that is happier for her. If that means doing little jobs around the house and freeing up time then surely that does that. It isn’t sexy, but it’s part of the fulfilment we give each other, everyone has shit they’d rather not do.

Play Time 

When it is a sexual situation, just littlegem and I, then that pressure returns. This time the fulfilment is about an experience that takes away control or gives intimacy, whatever our needs may be. I have always felt that this has been the weakest part of my Dominance. I can cuddle and support and give emotional support if needed. But be so sexually dominant that I take her out of her headspace like an alpha Dom that knows exactly what to do, exactly what to say that’ll make her melt, no.

I’m capable, I know that because I’ve done it. But not every time, and I know I’m giving myself unrealistic expectations to think that it should always be perfect. I put pressure on myself and that’s where I can fall down. Being a person I believe I should be over the person I am, because if I’m not good enough I need to try harder. I should know better, that I am good enough and that ultimately me doing what I want when I want it should be the way it goes, it just doesn’t work that way.

Littlegem’s desires go deeper than mine, I know that. She wants to be hit harder, to be humiliated more than I give her to feel a deeper dominance. By trying to give her what she wants am I being disingenuous to myself and ultimately creating a negative experience for us both? Yes is probably the answer to that, the sexual play that goes well is the one that stems from me feeling comfortable with what I’m doing. Usually the deeper and more intense sensations follow from the comfort of being in my own right headspace, rather than falsely committing to it. Being myself is important, but that can be easy to forget. I also still feel have far to go in identifying my own personality, what it is that makes me. 

Thinking that deeper and intense is somehow better is the fallacy that I allow myself to feel pressure from. D/s is much more than seeing how hard I can hit my sub with a stick. It’s about how well I can manage her emotions, this means all of the time. The everyday life, not just the sexy play life. Supporting her and being a partnership by being who I am, to be yourself is all that you can do.

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22 Replies to “Be Yourself

  1. “I’m capable, I know that because I’ve done it. But not every time, and I know I’m giving myself unrealistic expectations to think that it should always be perfect. I put pressure on myself and that’s where I can fall down.”

    PS definitely words I can also related to.

  2. I really enjoyed reading your reflections on this PS. I think that lots of us find it hard to really feel in the required headspace all the time. We did in and out and I think in the same way the D/s ebbs and flows. For us the sexual play is different than the everyday and seems to come more naturally. I think it does sound like you are being too hard on yourself. Also I love these pictures. You look very sexy 🙂

  3. This is such a great read. As a bottom I feel reassured that even tops sometimes feel like a side show. I know i feel like this often as my and Mister K’s daily lives are so separate. Sure we can talk about our days but its not the same as being involved in each other’s day.
    D/s would definitely be easier if it was all about hitting with a stick 😉

  4. First: I absolutely love that song. I saw Audioslave in concert at a small venue in Seattle when they’d first formed, and while I already loved their music, that experience really cemented their album in my memory — especially that song.

    Second: We (my hubby and I) each definitely have *domains* — not roles, but “places”, places we frequent that sort of ‘belong’ to one or the other of us in some way — so when you refer to the house being Gem’s domain and how being in that space throws you off, I totally relate. Sometimes just figuring out how to stay out of the way and not cause disruptions is challenging enough. Let alone trying to take any extra steps to be helpful or fulfill a pre-set role.

    And I don’t know if you’re working from home or just being at home, but if you’re unused to it, regardless, it’s an adjustment that feels awkward. So for what it’s worth: I get it.

    1. Thanks, I am back to work usually, so being at home during the day is a change. I should really expect it now as this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way.

      I’m glad you like the song too 🙂

  5. I think you and my CL were on the same wavelength this week. Haha. A few days ago, he told me to take a picture naked with my guitar for Monochromerotic. But your photo looks a lot cooler 😎.

    I can’t even begin to imagine how it is not really knowing where you fit at home. I’ve never lived with a partner, but I’m sure those issues will arise sometime in the future. I hope you’re able to sort things out and feel more like yourself.

  6. It is possible that you are strict with yourself and not always satisfied with the current situation. But this is not a bad thing. So you understand that there is something to strive for.

  7. I love the vulnerability you show here, PS, and love how you take care of Gem, whether at work or at home. You definitely are good enough, and I am sure Gem tells you that many times. Gorgeous images!
    ~ Marie xox

  8. Sorry this time i came for the images, not the words- and was not disappointed! Will come back and read it properly when i have more time – but u look great PS
    May 😉

  9. That’s a nice portrait at the top, and the mono is so well shot. You look like a true Guitar God. And that ain’t no air guitar.

  10. PS I can relate. There is a reason I have a category for documenting our D/s called Apologetic Dom and precocious Kitten. Because that’s what we are. Even when I am confident I am still gaging, measuring, and guessing. Listening and feeling her response.

    When it is good it’s awesome. When we are truly synched it is amazing.

    She craves high protocol and I’m not there yet. I have to make the time to study, write a new contract and continue to take the opportunities we get to play as they happen.

    Being in a household and balancing the D/s in and out of the bedroom is challenging. But even the simplest things like she always walks on my right hand. (We joke because she is always right, truth, and it makes her submission to me all the more precious. ) touching as often as possible. Tickling her back until she falls asleep.
    Care deepens the bond.
    Making sure I message her regularly during the day so she knows I’m thinking of her also strengthens our bond.
    We both get sick when the connection is strained or off.
    And I am always feeling like I’m not good enough.
    That striving for continuous improvement is part of what makes us good enough. For now. As time goes on it only gets better.
    Be well and thanks for the new follow.

    1. Thank you, it’s good to know that there are those with similar situations. Sometimes you can feel like you are on top of it and then a change, whether sudden or gradual can cause an effect in changes you hadn’t previously imagined.

      1. Change is constant
        Life is physics
        Nature continues towards chaos
        And every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
        These are simple truths that help when life happens. Not easy when many of us come from upbringings based in management through guilt and shame. Judging vs questioning. I’m working on changing my questions, choosing happy, trying to be kind, and control with not over.
        Even in our D/s my partner and I have one where I am controlling with her needs and wants in mind and not being a dictator.
        I tried being a strong handed Dom when we started and it hit every one of her PTSD buttons from her childhood. So I’m working on what I should have done from the beginning, listening and guiding where I can in the daily. Although her service is one where she is often guiding me. Your mileage may vary. The other truth I’ve learned is although there may be similarities between relationships no two are exactly the same.

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