There is good reason why despite the nature of the blog there is a distinct lack of male nudity, i.e me. Why have pictures of me when you could see littlegem. After all she is beautiful and when I look at her she inspires all sorts of photography ideas. I do not have such inspiration for myself nor do I believe that my naked physical appearance is as desirable as hers.
Obviously being a couple most of the things that we do, we do together. Littlegem will dress down or get naked. I then enjoy taking and editing the photos, littlegem enjoys looking at the best photos that make the cut. I am displaying her in her best form as well as I can.
I have looked at myself and I don’t have the same sense of inspiration. I don’t mentally picture the types of images I which to create, or places I’d like to visit that would provide a backdrop to a nude photo, with the exception of maybe an artsy androgynous style photo when I’m feeling a little more brave. It all comes back to thinking, who would want to see this?
But things change. The way you view yourself doesn’t have to continue, of course there are always barriers to that. I remember years ago going swimming regularly, at first I’d always change in the cubicle before timidly making my way to the pool. As time went by it was clear that no-one cared what you looked like. You were there for the purpose of changing and there should be no shame in it. Because that’s the emotion I felt, shame. Eventually I took my clothes off in the changing room no problem, nobody stared, nobody said ew. Nobody noticed, in fact it became clear that those hiding it were drawing more attention to themselves.
A communal setting differs greatly from when it is just you, naked alone. All of a sudden your own naked body is subject to more visual scrutiny and knowledge of that can be uncomfortable. I become more aware of the things I don’t like, my skin isn’t the best and my physical form has been a topic of discussion in my own head for years.
But of recent, I have found some acceptance in myself, like I am growing into my body. This is partly because I started exercising again. It seems the act of at least making an effort to look after myself makes a difference. Its a case of acknowledging that I won’t be the best, but that I shouldn’t stop doing my best and respect my body. On the outside not a lot has changed*, but inside I know that I’m pushing myself, that I’m getting better. Finding that motivation to start, and then again to continue, is an ongoing work in progress. Things get in the way, excuses are easily made.
*I have noticed my clothes becoming looser and as a smaller male there is a real possibility that I’ll need to buy children’s clothes to fit me.
There has been a few odd glimpses of me on this blog. Feedback has been positive and I find myself becoming more confident in myself. It’s a shame that it makes more impact coming from somebody else rather than my own partner, because she’s meant to find me attractive, right? It’s not that it doesn’t make a difference. I know she loves me and cares about me and doesn’t really mind how I look. The fact is that when someone other than my partner compliments me it gives me a buzz, almost of disbelief. It’s just something I’m not used to and I don’t know how to deal with it. Somebody may compliment my cock and I feel so vein for how I feel, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love it.
So my feelings have changed, I’ve realised that in the right circumstances that I can feel sexy. That feeling can transfer into my confidence if I let it. I know that given the right circumstances I could comfortably be naked in front of others, although they are very strict circumstances. The battle is mental as well as physical and it all takes effort. But I know who I used to be, I know how I used to feel about myself. So I know that I have made progress and that who I am comes out more, but there is a long way to go, so don’t expect a flurry of images of me now. I still don’t have that inspiration that I get with littlegem, I just don’t hate how I look so much.