This week’s Tell Me About topic is Voyeurism and it is something which although I wouldn’t describe myself as having this kink, certainly elements do appeal. I think my main problem is that most definitions of voyeurism would involve the people you are observing to not be aware, which certainly brings up consent issues.
Thinking about voyeurism has reminded me of a time when I was a young teen attending a house party, as you do, substances that certainly weren’t age appropriate flowing. I once stumbled across my friend and her partner in the midst of sex. The feeling I had was certainly that I shouldn’t be watching them but something about it meant I couldn’t take my eyes off them either. They were propped against some kind of furniture, his muscles clenching in his arse with his thrusts. I know I enjoyed what I saw and they were not particularly hiding their act either. Luckily another friend came across the situation a bit more vocally than myself and I managed to brush off that I had just got there, I will point out the couple were un-phased by the now growing audience to their sexual exploits.
I am quite a visual person so watching porn or any sexual activity certainly turns me on, it’s not that I visualise myself in their positions, I just really like seeing sexual acts taking place. Part of this, I think, is seeing a connection between the people involved. The intimacy and desire involved is quite intoxicating and draws me in, seeing and hearing them enjoy themselves, bodies entangled and writhing in pleasure. It’s a heady experience and one that if circumstances ever played out that way, I think I would like to be a part of again.
Urban dictionary definition “Auralism is a sexual fetish defined as sexual arousal or excitement caused by sound…”
Although the kink covers any audio not just hearing sexual acts, this is the area I wish to write about. I think auralism can be linked with voyeurism as sound and visuals often come together, but independently from one another I certainly enjoy and have done in the past. This possibly could be because in my mind, overhearing sexual activity and getting turned on by it feels less like I’m doing something wrong or can’t offend the other party I’m listening to.
PurpleSole and I shared a house when younger with some friends, the house was awful and mostly we realised being in close quarters with these particular friends was a terrible idea. The experience wasn’t all bad though, one night/ early hours we both awoke to the sounds of moans from their bedroom. Although unspoken at the time, PS and I clearly were moved by what we heard and began our own version of the vocal events. I can’t remember if we ever spoke to them about what we could hear and I certainly would have been embarrassed if they realised I got off to hearing them.
On the other side of voyeurism is exhibitionism. I think I would describe myself as having exhibitionist tendencies although they are twisted in erotic humiliation for me and really depends on my mood. For the most part though I do enjoy others’ gaze upon me, knowing they are witnessing what I am doing is a turn on. The erotic humiliation element comes into it as I imagine what others must be thinking as they look at me, about my body or what it must say about my character. I am very self-conscious and worry what others think of me so it’s a difficult balance to find.
What works best for me is being pushed to show my exhibitionist side, to shed my clothing and in a way having no accountability. I couldn’t possibly have wanted to do this as I am a good girl, I really was just following some orders. My fears involve others not liking or wanting to be a part of what they are seeing, having this deniability gives me more freedom to overcome these negative thoughts about myself.
Taking photos outdoors was one way PS has pushed me and bought out my exhibitionist side more, although we were rarely stumbled upon, the rush and excitement of being nude in nature is something I really enjoy and certainly want to do more of.
Another way I express my exhibitionist side is through ‘performing’ sexual acts, be this to PS in private or sharing videos and pictures on either our blog or my only fans. This takes it one step further for me as it’s not just about me being nude, it’s a private intimate side of me enjoying and performing sexual desires. Part of this does involve really enjoying hearing what people have to say, especially about the videos we make. What’s an exhibitionist without an audience anyway? For me it feels a safer way to exhibit myself as only people who wish to see are going to do so and in the case of my only fans, you have to be subscribed to gain access to everything. This takes away the fears that people who don’t want to see what I am doing would be involved so when behind the camera it feels natural and free to do whatever I may want to, no matter how perverse.