“I don’t like to label people, the only thing I label is my lunch in the refrigerator at work. I write ‘lesbian’ on it so everybody knows it’s mine” – Ellen DeGeneres
Thought I’d start with a funny. Despite the quote I don’t have a problem with labels. They serve a purpose, they are an easy way to get an understanding of someone’s basic traits. Like an introduction to yourself. It is when you look deeper that you find out the details that make the individual.
So if I was to describe my labels I’d say, slender and short white British cis male Millennial, father of two and the D to my wife’s s. These labels give a basic overview of the sort of person I am, but it doesn’t define my personality. Then you may ask more questions about me, you’d find that I’m into heavy metal music, that the only sports I like are Motorsports and that I get great enjoyment taking photos, and depending on who you are I may say especially naked photos of my beautiful wife.
The Dominant Label
The way I show my dominance will vary wildly from the way others do. My individuals needs, my partners individuals needs and the external environmental factors will all play a role in this. Each relationship is different and that is not to say that there is a better way of doing it, it is unique. Whatever brings happiness between consenting adults shouldn’t get in the way of a feeling of ‘this is how it should be done’.
For me the most enjoyment from a Dom perspective comes from the care giving side of our dynamic. Looking after littlegem’s well being by creating a safe space that allows her to feel safe, giving her freedom to be silly and happy. I am trying to fulfil the need to take away the everyday adult decisions that challenge her. The emotional care has as much if not more priority than a physical sexual need. So there is a balance, and occasionally a conflict, when needs require a change of leadership style.
Her desire to have control taken away also means that’s there is a desire for me to be more forceful, perhaps the more stereotyped view of a Dom. The impact play, rope bondage, that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem with this, we now have a regular weekly spanking slot and it is beneficial for us both. I enjoy it when it goes well, being critical of myself when it doesn’t.
I have challenged my own view of what my needs are. I don’t consider myself a sadist, the enjoyment is from knowing she is having a good time at the hands of my control rather than inflicting the pain myself. I also know that the limiting factor is usually my own self reluctance to push further when I could. It is an emotional wall that and once I have pushed through gets easier. Being in the right head space doesn’t always come easy.
I am not the Dom that is super confident in their abilities, I want to be, but it doesn’t always work that way. I always try to be honest with my own feelings in these regards, even though I know its unreasonable to be like the Dominants in erotic fiction. If there was any ’cause’ that came from my writing it would be to remove toxic masculinity, that everyone has vulnerability somewhere and there is no shame in showing it.
Always a Dominant?
Despite being the Dominant in the relationship I also know that those Dominant feelings aren’t always my primary need. Sometimes when I’m under pressure or depending on my mood occasionally I will want my own control taken away. I will want to remove myself from that lead role if only for a short while. To put it plainly occasionally I would like gem to top me. I would like my pleasure to be in her hands (figuratively or literally) and have that moment of escapism.
It isn’t a big surprise, we have done role plays before where littlegem has the primary role. Crystal is a character that is a masseuse to clients (aka me) that we have tried a couple of times successfully. In that particular situation my need is to have a sensual experience that allows my mind to switch off. It is connective and bonding, it also allows learning from different perspective.
When we are labelled we are not one thing. We are complex individuals and much more than the label would suggest. We are many things and the way that fits into our personality and interpersonal relationships makes a reality much different than assumed. Take the time to understand the needs of the individual and you may reveal more than you think.
For me the last few weeks have been personally challenging. From that I have made some changes to my life. I think about what are my needs as I want to feel better about myself, to do better. I am being more serious about exercise, to be happier and more toned and am considering growing my hair longer. These are attributes of masculinity I find attractive. But then again it may bring with it an unwanted label, the early mid-life crisis.