The Vulnerable Dominant

“I don’t like to label people, the only thing I label is my lunch in the refrigerator at work. I write ‘lesbian’ on it so everybody knows it’s mine” – Ellen DeGeneres

Thought I’d start with a funny. Despite the quote I don’t have a problem with labels. They serve a purpose, they are an easy way to get an understanding of someone’s basic traits. Like an introduction to yourself. It is when you look deeper that you find out the details that make the individual.

So if I was to describe my labels I’d say, slender and short white British cis male Millennial, father of two and the D to my wife’s s. These labels give a basic overview of the sort of person I am, but it doesn’t define my personality. Then you may ask more questions about me, you’d find that I’m into heavy metal music, that the only sports I like are Motorsports and that I get great enjoyment taking photos, and depending on who you are I may say especially naked photos of my beautiful wife.

The Dominant Label

The way I show my dominance will vary wildly from the way others do. My individuals needs, my partners individuals needs and the external environmental factors will all play a role in this. Each relationship is different and that is not to say that there is a better way of doing it, it is unique. Whatever brings happiness between consenting adults shouldn’t get in the way of a feeling of ‘this is how it should be done’. 

For me the most enjoyment from a Dom perspective comes from the care giving side of our dynamic. Looking after littlegem’s well being by creating a safe space that allows her to feel safe, giving her freedom to be silly and happy. I am trying to fulfil the need to take away the everyday adult decisions that challenge her. The emotional care has as much if not more priority than a physical sexual need. So there is a balance, and occasionally a conflict, when needs require a change of leadership style. 

Her desire to have control taken away also means that’s there is a desire for me to be more forceful, perhaps the more stereotyped view of a Dom. The impact play, rope bondage, that sort of thing. Don’t get me wrong I have no problem with this, we now have a regular weekly spanking slot and it is beneficial for us both. I enjoy it when it goes well, being critical of myself when it doesn’t. 

I have challenged my own view of what my needs are. I don’t consider myself a sadist, the enjoyment is from knowing she is having a good time at the hands of my control rather than inflicting the pain myself. I also know that the limiting factor is usually my own self reluctance to push further when I could. It is an emotional wall that and once I have pushed through gets easier. Being in the right head space doesn’t always come easy. 

I am not the Dom that is super confident in their abilities, I want to be, but it doesn’t always work that way. I always try to be honest with my own feelings in these regards, even though I know its unreasonable to be like the Dominants in erotic fiction. If there was any ’cause’ that came from my writing it would be to remove toxic masculinity, that everyone has vulnerability somewhere and there is no shame in showing it. 

Always a Dominant? 

Despite being the Dominant in the relationship I also know that those Dominant feelings aren’t always my primary need. Sometimes when I’m under pressure or depending on my mood occasionally I will want my own control taken away. I will want to remove myself from that lead role if only for a short while. To put it plainly occasionally I would like gem to top me. I would like my pleasure to be in her hands (figuratively or literally) and have that moment of escapism. 

It isn’t a big surprise, we have done role plays before where littlegem has the primary role. Crystal is a character that is a masseuse to clients (aka me) that we have tried a couple of times successfully. In that particular situation my need is to have a sensual experience that allows my mind to switch off. It is connective and bonding, it also allows learning from different perspective. 

When we are labelled we are not one thing. We are complex individuals and much more than the label would suggest. We are many things and the way that fits into our personality and interpersonal relationships makes a reality much different than assumed. Take the time to understand the needs of the individual and you may reveal more than you think. 

For me the last few weeks have been personally challenging. From that I have made some changes to my life. I think about what are my needs as I want to feel better about myself, to do better. I am being more serious about exercise, to be happier and more toned and am considering growing my hair longer. These are attributes of masculinity I find attractive. But then again it may bring with it an unwanted label, the early mid-life crisis. 

 

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14 Replies to “The Vulnerable Dominant

  1. Labels are good to give people a general idea of what and who you are, but those labels can never describe you in detail, as they are too superficial. When you say ‘dominant’, you know what it means to you, but it’s different from when my husband says ‘dominant’. No two people are the same, even when they use the same label. So yes, I agree, we need to get to know and understand the individual, and not just assume we know all about them. Great post, PS!
    ~ Marie

  2. I am one that is not into labels but I will never say they are bad. I just like to get to know the person without a label pushing my thinking to one side or the other. For instance I identify as a sadist but not in the taking pleasure from causing pain, I enjoy more the sadistic skill of getting into a partners head and opening them up to their darker side, they hidden wants. Or even more fun, leave them panting for more.
    I am glad you know what works best for you, I hope you have many more wonderful adventures

  3. You’re unique and that is wonderful. I think you hit the nail on the head in this line: “When we are labelled we are not one thing. We are complex individuals and much more than the label would suggest.”
    It’s also interesting that you note that sometimes you don’t want to take that dominant position and I think that’s only natural. We always need a bit of everything, which includes someone else taking the lead sometimes.

  4. I agree with what you say about labels and they can be helpful in putting us in that ballpark, but not at really defining us. It is our behaviour, actions and also our needs which do that and nothing is ever going to be the same for you as it is for someone else. Being a dominant is part of you but it is only one part and it has to exist with the others in a way which works for you. I am not surprised it is the nurturing part of you which takes the lead with this as looking after others is a big part of who you are. I see no reason for that to be a bad thing as long as you make if work for you and define your own brand of whatever it is. I think it is about accepting it and owning it and it doesn’t matter if it looks the same for others or not, as long as it is working for you. Personally I see a lot of strength in vulnerability and I think it will make you a better Dominant for recognising your own. I am really pleased to see you back writing too I have missed you here ❤️

    1. Thank you missy, I’m always grateful for the encouragement. And as far as accepting myself it does take a while, but I’m happy in the way I’m going.

  5. So nice to see you writing – and I had assumed you were having a thought or two in your absence – I have found personal acceptance improves with age.
    I think you should grow your hair – I like long hair on men – and do u know something? I already assumed you had longish hair – it fits with what I have learned about u via your blog – I am sorry I have not paid enough attention along the way to know your hair is short!
    May x

    1. It used to be long and it’s never been short short. But yes I feel it suits the person I am too. Yes I have had many thoughts, not all made it to posts though. Thanks May

  6. You sound like a great Dom. Feelings of insecurity are only natural and make you more human than the cookiecutter Doms who only want to impose their way and be done with it.

    Thanks for your post 🙂

    Liz

  7. PS A great post snd it’s nice to get more of an insight into you. I resonate a lot of what you say regarding labels and if I can summarise what I get form this post is that you say labels are aat best an appximation to explain or understand someone or something at a specific moment in time.

    PS. um that is one captivating picture of Gem.

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