A D/s relationship is work. It is not to be underestimated how much time and energy goes into maintaining a dynamic that on the face of it looks like I’m just getting what I want, it just doesn’t work like that.
The contract between Dom and sub is about respect and looking after each others well being. It is more than just kinky sex, it’s that other boring stuff: intimacy, making sure we feel heard and finding a deeper happiness together.
Constant evaluation is key because before you know it what seemed good has slipped and is now a problem. Finding the cause to an issue and coming to a workable resolution, because not everything can be ‘fixed’. Compromise and understanding is what helps bring you out of hole.
Back to Work
I’m now back at work full time. No sooner have we got used to a new way of living, we find ourselves having to make a big change again. The problems of outside are still there but I’m not around all the time to make it better. So before I went back, we sat down and looked at our dynamic, at how we interact with each other. We anticipated issues and tried to come up with a reasonable way of managing it.
I asked littlegem to write down a vision of how she wanted us to be. Not some fantasy where she is in lingerie all day and crawls on the floor, not reasonable, besides what would the children say? I wrote down a similar vision, one that detailed a working day and how our dynamic could be maintained, how I could feel dominant and how I could look after littlegem’s emotional needs. It isn’t much different, but understanding that you each want to make an effort for each other is a massive thing.
With this new-ish plan of action came a spreadsheet, mostly for fun, but also to keep on top of all the things I’d said I’d do. Littlegem’s spreadsheet is about keeping on top of her daily tasks for the week, mine is about looking after her needs and monitoring her submission.
Because that’s what I want isn’t it, her submission. That only comes from my Dominance but, and I think she’ll understand when I say this, she can be a difficult person to deal with. We all have our baggage and the sexy scene I thought of in the morning is less appealing after a day at work and the wrestle of putting kids to bed. Getting over that hump would probably do it, but it’s not that simple. If we’re not in the mood, I’m not going to force it. But it can feel like a failure to not play because we just aren’t feeling it.
Littlegem’s submission is a fight, but it’s a worthwhile fight. She doesn’t mean to put up walls and challenge me, that’s just how it is. Put us in a situation where everyday stresses are reduced and it snaps back, our weekend away months ago proved that. Basically, we need a holiday to get away from it for just a little bit, but don’t we all?
Our recent puppy play got me thinking about how submission makes me feel. Puppy submits in a completely different way to littlegem. It’s the same body, but the feeling is different because the submission is almost absolute. Puppy doesn’t have the same worries or emotional walls to deal with, she is given a command and she complies obediently, barring occasional playful misbehaviour.
Playing sexually with littlegem is a challenge because I know the issues involved. There is a hesitance to commit to what I want her to do because of the situation we are in. She is not the sub-bot 4000, she is human and has feeling and if it wasn’t for those pesky emotions getting in the way then we probably would play more than we do. It also doesn’t help that being around her most of the time requires a lot of care giving. That deep emotional connection is more likely to get in the way of me ignoring what her body language says and listen to the words that come out of her mouth. The words that say “I love impact, I wish you would do it harder” or “make me feel objectified. ”
There is so much behind the scenes on an emotional level that prevents the play we crave. But put the effort in, keep communication open and
make lots of spreadsheets allow your partner to feel their emotions is a way of maintaining the dynamic. There are plenty of toys and types of play I can’t wait to do again, the suitcase is going to be full the next time we get some time to go away again.