Always Seeking More

Always Seeking More

If you find yourself in a D/s relationship and somebody was to ask what direction you’d like to see your relationship go I imagine most of the answers would be more, more kink, more sex, more weirdness. Because if we see life as progression we reach a goal and want to achieve more, to become greater. There is nothing wrong with this train of thought, we all need motivation.

Just think how kinky littlegem and I will be in 20 or 30 years time. The kids will have left home and I’ll have my own dungeon, fully clad in leather and metal. Littlegem will be fully tamed, living a life of total submission. She will have a collection of latex that would make Francesca Demont’s eyes water. She would have experienced every possible impact toy and have inserted every conceivable object into her bottom. She has been trained so the simplest click of my fingers brings her to her knees with a crippling orgasm. 

Maybe not. 

Improbable is how I would describe this fantasy. But would I even want that? The train of thought that believes we should improve over time will lead to disappointment if no such progress is made. 2019 was a great year for us and I don’t wish to sound dramatic but 2020 has been sub-optimal at best. But we work with what we are given. If we are happy with the dynamic we have then we do well to maintain that. It can be difficult enough with constant communication to keep the equilibrium and that can be success in itself. So difficult it can be to look out of the window and see others doing so much better. 

This isn’t just about D/s, social media is all about portraying an image, a better more successful, more attractive you. And if everybody else is then the only reason we’re doing it is to stay on the same level as others. Trying to improve oneself isn’t inherently bad. I strive to be a better Dom and a better human. To help this I had clothes I wouldn’t usually wear ready to take to Eroticon this year. So maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I wasn’t seen in faux black snake leather trousers and patent shoes (with purple soles). Clearly this is an image I am portraying, I am a confident person that Dom’s my wife and can talk in room full of others with ease. I am sad I didn’t get to at least try, but I know who I am and I know I’m not a chatty person. 

Maybe sometimes it’s important to just keep it real. I try to do that best I can but there is no denying that it doesn’t happen. Pictures are taken and edited in a way to show best beauty. But is that because I’m making my best effort? Dialogue during a scene is more eloquently put in words than in real life because frankly I can’t remember everything I said or didn’t say. Either way I know it’s what I meant to say. 

The Measure of Success

In everyday life we try and become a success, but that depends entirely how you would define it. The most common being wealth. If you have worked hard and got yourself a job that pays well and puts you at the top of your field then you have succeeded. You have beaten others to the top and that is a measure of success.

From a D/s or sexual perspective that success may come across as doing a lot of kinky stuff with a lot of kinky people. Again nothing wrong with that, there are plenty that get such enjoyment from doing so and it takes time to master techniques such as flogging, rope bondage etc. It takes effort and it takes time. 

But no one person is the same. If everybody had the same goal or dream then success is only for the few rather than the many. I don’t dream of having multiple sex partners, though a poly lifestyle does interest me. Having a connection with others yes, that seems like a logical step but it’s not for everybody. Success for me is maintaining a lifestyle that keeps me happy, that challenges me and makes me want more.

The concept of having more is interesting, the more we have, the more we need. As long as that need for more is a healthy one, built on personal growth rather than ‘because I should’. I want to do more kinky play with littlegem, I want to try new things, not because I look at others and see all the amazing things they do but because I see it as an achievable goal. I don’t seek to find the extremes, in some areas that simply doesn’t interest me. Being more extreme isn’t more or less valid than softer play, it’s whatever brings you enjoyment. 

If that achievable goal is to maintain on the same path that we are on though, so may it be. If we are comfortable and don’t want to accidentally fall back maybe that is success in itself.

Our D/s is on ‘simmer’ at the moment, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just where we are. Our journey is not about more right now, it’s about holding on to everything that we have and that is worth maintaining.


23 Replies to “Always Seeking More

  1. Loved this post. My two cents consistent with what you are saying. Exploring ones sexual desires is not a linear journey. It’s full of starts and stops, increases and decreases…it’s not always “more, more, more.” The key is to remain fulfilled with life’s endeavors, kink or otherwise. And what fulfills us will change over time. Sometimes less kink is more fulfilling, sometimes one needs more. The challenge with all relationships is keeping each other’s desires in balance so that no one feels unfulfilled. This is true whether the desireS are sexual or non-sexual.

  2. I think “should” infiltrates a lot of what we do as a species, at least in the cultures I’m familiar with. And it can he hard not to compare ourselves with the ideals we are shown through media and social media. It’s important to check our goals and make sure they are truly OUR goals and not simply what we think we should be trying to do. You make some really good points here!

  3. The ‘should’ can be one of the greatest pressures we put on ourselves. Aside from the ‘should’ of looking after ourselves, our families and being as good as possible to others, it can add so much unnecessary comparisons like Brigit said. Stay true to yourselves is so important in a world that tries to make us molds of a standard that is mostly unattainable.
    And personally, I LOVE those shoes and trousers! 😀

    1. Thanks Violet, I do try to keep the right path but that is easier said than done. It’s a shame you missed out seeing them in person haha.

  4. I want to see you dressed in those clothes! those trousers are magnificent and the shoes are pretty cool. My man is a flamboyant dresser and perhaps we will all get to meet yet!
    And i think most people’s sex life or relationship dynamic is on a simmer – the world is in crazy mode – take car of Gem and your family x

  5. This post resonated so much with me, PS. I can relate to a lot of what you said, the wanting to portray the best, the comparing yourself with others. In the end it is about looking at what we really want for ourselves, in our own world, not in competition with the big wide world. That outfit is hot though, I got to give you that!

    1. Thank you DS, that’s very kind of you. In real life I don’t have any social media stuff, so taking to it with our blog was a new step, seeing how others did BDSM.

  6. Yes you are so right. Life is only a progression in general but the specifics go up and down or simmer as you say it. One lesson I had to learn the hard way is to not compare yourself to others but only to myself in the past. Am I a better person than one, two or ten years ago? If yes…than it does not really matter how much or in what way.

    1. Yes it’s all about how much effort we put in and try to improve ourselves for us. And if it doesn’t work out then it doesn’t matter.

  7. An interesting post PS, and I love your honesty and integrity. I think you will achieve everything you want to ? and it will be for the right reasons.

    Look after yourselves,

    Sweetgirl x

  8. Great thoughts! Simmering is a great place to be. Just to throw another thought out there, and to add a cultural context, it is the capitalistic society that pushes us to drive for more, have more, do more. Satisfaction becomes stale in this model.
    The Medieval era, by contrast, lasted for hundreds of years. That kind of sustainability had to include a great deal of happiness! Without happiness, it would have fallen by the wayside very earlier on.

    Rumor has it, they did it a lot too! *wink

  9. I do believe that the bottom line is always to stay true to oneself. Sometimes that means growing a bit more, other times it means fine-tuning the success you’ve already had. As long as it’s good for YOU, it’s fine, you never have to do it for the outside world.
    That said, I would’ve loved to see you in those pants and shoes AND chat to you!

    Rebel xox

  10. They always say it’s the journey that matters and what makes things wonderful, not the end goal. It sounds like you’re just going to see where things take you and do or will not do things based on what you want and enjoy and not others. I have to say, I quite like the outfit and I can’t believe you have patent shoes (with purple soles!!).

    1. Well who would I be if I didn’t have purple soles ?. I do enjoy the journey as I know that it changes all the time. Especially right now, I have some opportunities that I didn’t have before.

  11. This post resonated with me, as I sometimes have to pull myself up when I veer off the path of what I enjoy doing, what I (& my OH) am comfortable with sharing. I remind myself my goals are different from others’ – mine is to expand into being the writer I want to be, and this blog is a sideline of that and sometimes a shop window for it.

    I love your trousers, and the shoes are so apt (for your name) – I too was going to go out on a limb at Eroticon this year and wear my latest latex aquisition (mixed with street clothes) but perhaps I was saved from going a step too far …

    Keep doing what you do – I think you’re on the right track, your blog gets great acclaim from a variety of visitors and you and Little Gem seem to be exploring your kinks and each other along the way. It is harder now with no privacy and /or less alone time, so you have to focus on your family for the moment, but that’s important too and will always run parallel with your kinky life.

    I think you’ve got the balance right – keep external pressures at arms’ length.

    1. Well that was a shame we didn’t get to see your hint of latex, I have no doubts that would have look amazing. That’s some very good advice, thank you, we are doing our best to make the most of this time and as far as the kids are concerned it’s just more time with mummy and daddy. There should be positives to come out of the situation.

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