If you find yourself in a D/s relationship and somebody was to ask what direction you’d like to see your relationship go I imagine most of the answers would be more, more kink, more sex, more weirdness. Because if we see life as progression we reach a goal and want to achieve more, to become greater. There is nothing wrong with this train of thought, we all need motivation.
Just think how kinky littlegem and I will be in 20 or 30 years time. The kids will have left home and I’ll have my own dungeon, fully clad in leather and metal. Littlegem will be fully tamed, living a life of total submission. She will have a collection of latex that would make Francesca Demont’s eyes water. She would have experienced every possible impact toy and have inserted every conceivable object into her bottom. She has been trained so the simplest click of my fingers brings her to her knees with a crippling orgasm.
Improbable is how I would describe this fantasy. But would I even want that? The train of thought that believes we should improve over time will lead to disappointment if no such progress is made. 2019 was a great year for us and I don’t wish to sound dramatic but 2020 has been sub-optimal at best. But we work with what we are given. If we are happy with the dynamic we have then we do well to maintain that. It can be difficult enough with constant communication to keep the equilibrium and that can be success in itself. So difficult it can be to look out of the window and see others doing so much better.
This isn’t just about D/s, social media is all about portraying an image, a better more successful, more attractive you. And if everybody else is then the only reason we’re doing it is to stay on the same level as others. Trying to improve oneself isn’t inherently bad. I strive to be a better Dom and a better human. To help this I had clothes I wouldn’t usually wear ready to take to Eroticon this year. So maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I wasn’t seen in faux black snake leather trousers and patent shoes (with purple soles). Clearly this is an image I am portraying, I am a confident person that Dom’s my wife and can talk in room full of others with ease. I am sad I didn’t get to at least try, but I know who I am and I know I’m not a chatty person.
Maybe sometimes it’s important to just keep it real. I try to do that best I can but there is no denying that it doesn’t happen. Pictures are taken and edited in a way to show best beauty. But is that because I’m making my best effort? Dialogue during a scene is more eloquently put in words than in real life because frankly I can’t remember everything I said or didn’t say. Either way I know it’s what I meant to say.
The Measure of Success
In everyday life we try and become a success, but that depends entirely how you would define it. The most common being wealth. If you have worked hard and got yourself a job that pays well and puts you at the top of your field then you have succeeded. You have beaten others to the top and that is a measure of success.
From a D/s or sexual perspective that success may come across as doing a lot of kinky stuff with a lot of kinky people. Again nothing wrong with that, there are plenty that get such enjoyment from doing so and it takes time to master techniques such as flogging, rope bondage etc. It takes effort and it takes time.
But no one person is the same. If everybody had the same goal or dream then success is only for the few rather than the many. I don’t dream of having multiple sex partners, though a poly lifestyle does interest me. Having a connection with others yes, that seems like a logical step but it’s not for everybody. Success for me is maintaining a lifestyle that keeps me happy, that challenges me and makes me want more.
The concept of having more is interesting, the more we have, the more we need. As long as that need for more is a healthy one, built on personal growth rather than ‘because I should’. I want to do more kinky play with littlegem, I want to try new things, not because I look at others and see all the amazing things they do but because I see it as an achievable goal. I don’t seek to find the extremes, in some areas that simply doesn’t interest me. Being more extreme isn’t more or less valid than softer play, it’s whatever brings you enjoyment.
If that achievable goal is to maintain on the same path that we are on though, so may it be. If we are comfortable and don’t want to accidentally fall back maybe that is success in itself.
Our D/s is on ‘simmer’ at the moment, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just where we are. Our journey is not about more right now, it’s about holding on to everything that we have and that is worth maintaining.