The Problem with Causing Pain

The problem with causing pain

So here the thing, I’m not into causing pain. I don’t get off on it and it isn’t a kink of mine. There are exceptions but I’ll get to that. 

Impact play is seen as a staple of a BDSM lifestyle. We use it as part of our play, but I wouldn’t say it was the major part of what we do. Play is ultimately up to me, so this is really because I’m less inclined to do it. 

There are some that really enjoy causing their sub pain, pushing them to their absolute limit. One of the first major revelations I made during our D/s dynamic was that you can be whatever Dom you want to be. Just because you are not a sadist, doesn’t make you any less valid. 

My enjoyment stems from the power of the situation, taking control of littlegem’s emotional state and seeing the enjoyment that comes from it. I try to make a scenario based on the information she tells me and what I am comfortable with. After all there is no point doing an activity that you don’t want to do. Yes there are some little things I like, the sound of a crop hitting skin with a satisfying thwack, watching the enjoyment of littlegem as she sinks into a spacey mindset. But causing pain on its own, no, not for me. I don’t want to see littlegem crying from the pain I’ve caused, it just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe that’s because I’m much more comfortable with a care giving role. 

Self Doubt

I found myself in a moment of self doubt writing a list of the things I enjoy doing. I recommend doing it as the list turned out much longer than I expected, turns out I am into the stuff. Upon reading my list littlegem and I discussed how there are some parts of our dynamic that we enjoy for completely different reasons, a good way to compromise on a slight misalignment of our kinks. 

If littlegem was to write the list it would be a lot longer. Being the partner that is ‘less kinky’ can be fuel to self doubt, especially as it is me that takes the lead. For me it gives a sense that by not fulfilling their desires that you are letting them down. She assures me that isn’t the case and I know that we have done a lot of things. 2019 was certainly a year of exploration where we found what worked and what didn’t.

Needles Revisited

One night littlegem was in a funny mood. I don’t know if it was the coffee that littlegem had drank but she was unusually buzzed, hopping around excited with plenty of energy.

“I want to play” she said. Now here was an unexpected opportunity, with a more downplayed turn of events recently I wasn’t going to let this go even though I myself was ready to just sit down. Indicating for her to lay over my lap for a spanking she wriggle into position. The fairly sedate nature of the beginning of a spanking was clearly not sitting well with a wiggly littlegem who needed something a bit more extreme.

“You could try and put the needles in me again Daddy. “

A while back we tried needle play. By that I mean gem was naked ready to receive, I had the needle in my hand ready to go, but that is as far as it went. Not wanting to give up on it and push the needles into the back of the cupboard with the other lost endeavours. 

An attempt earlier in the week by myself to go back to needle play was called off. So having her in the right mood was what I needed to get things going. Littlegem was directed to lay on some cushions on the floor as I get out the needles I had bought for Christmas 2018.

I felt strangely OK. Before I was worried, worried that I would do it wrong. After all I’m deliberately causing pain but it has to be done in the right way. If my head isn’t in the right mood then that lack of confidence is going to transfer, a key reason why it didn’t work first time.

Now I’m in a better mind frame. This time needles go in, but it still could have gone better. I now know that it is up to me to create an atmosphere, a proper scene if I am to do it right. Her submission doesn’t just happen, there needs to be reason and confidence. 

Honestly I struggle. I want to create the right moment and I try my best to think of ways to make it enjoyable but not all plans go the way they should. I’m not good at thinking on my feet so frustration can set in. In a situation where my enjoyment stems from hers, if I don’t feel that her satisfaction is sufficient then I am not doing a good enough job.

In our talk afterwards we cover all of this. In can seem so simple to just do it a certain way. But there are some many factors that can determine how successfully play works out. I am satisfied that by sticking 3 needles in her we have progressed. But there is so much more that.

If there are takeaways from this post they are these.

A Dom doesn’t need to be a sadist.

A Dom can be ‘less kinky’. 

A Dom can be vulnerable emotionally.



33 Replies to “The Problem with Causing Pain

  1. I love this. It’s really refreshing to read a different POV on sadism from a Dom. My and my boyfriend have a similar differentiation between kinks in that he is the less kinkier partner and at times can feel a little bad about it. Sometimes I have to reassure him that it is ok, and finding the middle ground is very rewarding 🙂 I’m glad you and littlegem can find ground where you can both enjoy play within each other’s limits 🙂

    1. Thank you, I have seen that almost all the other posts are so positive about pain so I was unsure about my own feelings on the subject.

  2. This is interesting to read. I think that if I were a Dom I would find the needle play hard if I were being called Daddy but maybe that doesn’t work against the headspace for you. I wondered when I read gem’s post if roleplay might work but perhaps that takes away from the experience as you would like it. I think it is natural for some things to work out less well than others and often in our minds it can be different than the reality. We have some play that we thought would be good and then was underwhelming, usually for us both. Just because it is a thing you think you will like or want to like or feel you should like, doesn’t mean it will be your thing. It sounds like you can be quite hard on yourself when the purpose is to have fun and enjoy each other. I worried for a while that the focus on kink and trying new and exciting things was becoming bigger than the reason we were doing it but that may well just be us. Interesting post 🙂

    1. Oh yes I can be hard on myself and lose the focus of just having fun. I think it’s sometimes like when you plan and cook a big meal and when it comes down to it you just aren’t hungry. We have had more ‘regular’ sex recently and it has been nice to just enjoy it with less pressure.

  3. It’s so good to read about your experience. It’s interesting because we do tend to think the Dominant partner are sadists, but of course, this isn’t always the case and it doesn’t have to be.

  4. Creating lists and sharing them for discussion is a great idea. I think there is often a bit of misalignment in our desires, even when we know each other well, and this would be a good exercise in practicing vulnerability.

  5. I think you are doing perfect, and I do believe that since we are all different people, there are as much different kinds of submissives as there are different kinds of Doms.

    Rebel xox

  6. Pieces like this are SO important.

    I’m not into “traditional” domly-dom McDommyness, and the giving of pain – as *actual* pain, the kind that hurts rather than the playing-with-sensation kind – is beyond ‘meh’ for me.

    Even if he enjoys receiving it… If *I* am not getting anything out of giving it, then what’s the point?


    Or, more extremely: Bleh.

    So I totally get this.

    I think sometimes terminology gets conflated. Dominance is NOT sadism. Sadism is NOT dominance. You can be one or the other, and you might be both. But being one does NOT EQUATE to being the other, and is absolutely not required.

    You do your own thing, and you do it your way.

    If that means you “do” dominance in a non-sadistic way: more power to you. (Pun intended.) 🙂

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  8. Were you abused as child. Were you molested by a parent, aclose relative, a priest? Your sexual perversion would indicate you were.Only a truly damaged person would find pleasure in hurting another person

    1. Hi Sam. Unfortunately some people have the unimaginable trauma of abuse. Some people are into kink. These things are not intrinsically linked so I would advise against speculating.

      Anyone in the kink community would tell you that all our interactions with partners are based on respect and communication. Everything is done with consenting adults, and if it isn’t fun or is too much we stop.

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