So here the thing, I’m not into causing pain. I don’t get off on it and it isn’t a kink of mine. There are exceptions but I’ll get to that.
Impact play is seen as a staple of a BDSM lifestyle. We use it as part of our play, but I wouldn’t say it was the major part of what we do. Play is ultimately up to me, so this is really because I’m less inclined to do it.
There are some that really enjoy causing their sub pain, pushing them to their absolute limit. One of the first major revelations I made during our D/s dynamic was that you can be whatever Dom you want to be. Just because you are not a sadist, doesn’t make you any less valid.
My enjoyment stems from the power of the situation, taking control of littlegem’s emotional state and seeing the enjoyment that comes from it. I try to make a scenario based on the information she tells me and what I am comfortable with. After all there is no point doing an activity that you don’t want to do. Yes there are some little things I like, the sound of a crop hitting skin with a satisfying thwack, watching the enjoyment of littlegem as she sinks into a spacey mindset. But causing pain on its own, no, not for me. I don’t want to see littlegem crying from the pain I’ve caused, it just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe that’s because I’m much more comfortable with a care giving role.
I found myself in a moment of self doubt writing a list of the things I enjoy doing. I recommend doing it as the list turned out much longer than I expected, turns out I am into the stuff. Upon reading my list littlegem and I discussed how there are some parts of our dynamic that we enjoy for completely different reasons, a good way to compromise on a slight misalignment of our kinks.
If littlegem was to write the list it would be a lot longer. Being the partner that is ‘less kinky’ can be fuel to self doubt, especially as it is me that takes the lead. For me it gives a sense that by not fulfilling their desires that you are letting them down. She assures me that isn’t the case and I know that we have done a lot of things. 2019 was certainly a year of exploration where we found what worked and what didn’t.
One night littlegem was in a funny mood. I don’t know if it was the coffee that littlegem had drank but she was unusually buzzed, hopping around excited with plenty of energy.
“I want to play” she said. Now here was an unexpected opportunity, with a more downplayed turn of events recently I wasn’t going to let this go even though I myself was ready to just sit down. Indicating for her to lay over my lap for a spanking she wriggle into position. The fairly sedate nature of the beginning of a spanking was clearly not sitting well with a wiggly littlegem who needed something a bit more extreme.
“You could try and put the needles in me again Daddy. “
A while back we tried needle play. By that I mean gem was naked ready to receive, I had the needle in my hand ready to go, but that is as far as it went. Not wanting to give up on it and push the needles into the back of the cupboard with the other lost endeavours.
An attempt earlier in the week by myself to go back to needle play was called off. So having her in the right mood was what I needed to get things going. Littlegem was directed to lay on some cushions on the floor as I get out the needles I had bought for Christmas 2018.
I felt strangely OK. Before I was worried, worried that I would do it wrong. After all I’m deliberately causing pain but it has to be done in the right way. If my head isn’t in the right mood then that lack of confidence is going to transfer, a key reason why it didn’t work first time.
Now I’m in a better mind frame. This time needles go in, but it still could have gone better. I now know that it is up to me to create an atmosphere, a proper scene if I am to do it right. Her submission doesn’t just happen, there needs to be reason and confidence.
Honestly I struggle. I want to create the right moment and I try my best to think of ways to make it enjoyable but not all plans go the way they should. I’m not good at thinking on my feet so frustration can set in. In a situation where my enjoyment stems from hers, if I don’t feel that her satisfaction is sufficient then I am not doing a good enough job.
In our talk afterwards we cover all of this. In can seem so simple to just do it a certain way. But there are some many factors that can determine how successfully play works out. I am satisfied that by sticking 3 needles in her we have progressed. But there is so much more that.
If there are takeaways from this post they are these.
A Dom doesn’t need to be a sadist.
A Dom can be ‘less kinky’.
A Dom can be vulnerable emotionally.