Pain and Littlegem

Pain and Littlegem- littlegem lying down during needle play with 3 needles in her skin

Content/ trigger warning- this post touches on self harm, needles and pain play.

A painfully difficult topic

This is a really difficult post to write but I have been wanting to put down my feelings on the subject of pain for quite some time now. It is difficult for a few reasons. Firstly because I don’t think I have fully understood my relationship to pain yet. I touched on it in my post about knife play how I used to self harm when I was younger. The feelings of shame and that I was ‘broken’ because of it made me lock all the feelings and desires for pain play away. 

Being in D/s and time has started to rewire my mindset on pain a little. That it is alright to have desires and be turned on by things that cause pain. I am certainly not broken and if done in a safe way, can enjoy pain. Although I still find it difficult to talk about sometimes, PurpleSole is very supportive in this and we are both pushing our boundaries in exploring elements of pain play.

Physical pain

There are many different types of physical pain that I enjoy, the main one we use is impact play like spanking or using an implement like the cane. It is the main one as PS is not a sadist so although does enjoy the dominant feeling that comes with the position, he doesn’t get off on actually giving me pain. We use the ElectraStim a lot as well (I have written about it a lot of times but these are my favourite: Flick Though Erotic Fiction, Full Metal Racket and Chasing The Electric Orgasm) which I think works better as it is providing pain for me but PS’s role is more passive.

I mentioned about it pushing both our boundaries for this reason, for PS to push me and try new pain play it is a huge thing for him as well. Very difficult and a big factor in why a lot of our play doesn’t work out how it’s intended. PS wrote about the first time we tired needle play and how he had put off doing it for quite some time. But when we did finally try it, it was me who couldn’t let him actually pierce my skin. 

Pain barrier 

Recently we tried needle play again slightly more successfully, 3 needles actually went in my skin. But the play still ended on a low note. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of the needles piercing my skin, as I really really did. I just couldn’t keep my mind focused and in the place it needed to be, so I spiralled. As I still have deep rooted feelings of pain being wrong and bad I will do everything to try and wriggle out of it. Not deliberately, I just can’t help it. This barrier is really negative for PS as it makes him lose confidence in what he is trying to do. I needed PS to use words to keep my mindset focused on him, to turn the fear around and use it in a positive way for me. But that wasn’t really possible for PS as he was busy trying to keep his own mind focused on putting needles through my skin correctly.

I know that PS does want to keep trying to push my boundaries with physical pain play but I am not sure how far it can go. This isn’t negative for me because I am happy with what we are doing currently, so I don’t want it to be read into wrong. But for the play to work I need all my buttons pressed in the right way to enable me to give over the control in the way I need to. It’s not just a case of physically causing pain to me, as my mind will try and repel that away as ‘wrong’. I need to have a concoction of the right kind of words for me to open up and keep my mind on him, to take more pain for him. It’s almost as if I need to be swayed round to accept that I like doing it, even though I do.  

Emotional pain 

For me erotic humiliation and causing me the right kind of emotion pain is a big turn on. A lot of my writing features elements of erotic humiliation as it is something that can be combined with any play. It is difficult though for PS to navigate and know exactly what words to use as it can be dependant on a situation. My mind can shift, calling me a slut might be taken badly at an inappropriate time. But if we are playing and I’m turned on, a ‘needy slut’ thrown in might work well.  

Emotion pain can also be about taking what was a negative situation like a past event and turning it around to a positive. Owning it and making it a kink. There are a few elements from my past that we have touched on in this way but at the moment I wouldn’t be comfortable to explore further. This might change as so much of what we do in our D/s has, what was a hard limit in time doesn’t seem so negative or out of reach. 

Am I a masochist?

I don’t think this is a simple yes or no answer. Like with most things, there are so many different levels and grey areas. I’m not going to get off on pain alone but It does turn me on, in the right situation. Stubbing my toe or the pain of an illness isn’t nice but am I wet remembering the feeling of a needle sinking into my skin, yes. I know I have a tendency to seek out things that will cause me pain, getting my nipples pierced for one instance. 

So maybe I would be classed as a masochist, personally I’m not a huge fan of labels so will just keep being me.   

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12 Replies to “Pain and Littlegem

  1. Oh, I can totally see how the pain dynamic is complicated. I have to admit that emotional pain, as in erotic humiliation, is a much easier turn on for me than physical pain. There are of course exceptions. As for labels, I’m with you, just be ‘you’. xox

  2. If you ask around at the local munches there may be someone who will help tutor PS. I have seen people doing this at the munch we go to. Perhaps this is an option?

    Great post Gem ?

    Sweetgirl x

  3. While reading this, I wondered if, for instance with the needle play, some music might keep your mind focused and not wandering to the thought that pain is wrong? And another thought, that the more you engage in needle play, and allow it to end earlier than you planned beforehand, but not feel disappointed about it, the longer you will be able to handle it, and the more you will be able to focus your mind? I think this is the same with pain from impact play – when you just start out with it, you can’t take much, but the more you engage in it, the more you can take, and the longer you are focused on the now and forget about everything else.
    And in the end, indeed, always just be you!

    Rebel xox

    1. Thank you Marie and that’s a good idea, will suggest adding music to PS for sure. I see what you mean about ending it sooner the only problem is the needles had to come out either way which I made difficult by not letting him. It was a practice play so I think more planning, music etc in the future would help!

  4. I know that you are both into role play so what about a roleplay to try to help get into the right space and not be distracted. A medical scene could use needles but so could a visit to a kinky tattoo/piecing place. I find a, “this might hurt just a little, but you know that I have to do it, don’t you?” works well. Also with regard to the emotional masochism, for me that is much easier to navigate although I think it is still difficult for HL. I have owned my own pain for so long that my responses to it mean that I have to control it to be able to take it far and that has been a bit of an issue with us. I am sure that with time you will find the right balance and one which works for you both. missy 🙂

    1. Thanks missy for your thoughtful comment. Yeah I think a roleplay could help me and if we did try again I think PS would like more planning as it gives him focus. I think time will help like you say, It’s still new for me to allow myself to enjoy pain. X

  5. Your remarks about needle play sums up the partnership that is required to take things further. Both have to be comfortable with what is going on, and it’s ok to stop! I’m sure as you grow over time things just become easier to work with.

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