Content/ trigger warning- this post touches on self harm, needles and pain play.
A painfully difficult topic
This is a really difficult post to write but I have been wanting to put down my feelings on the subject of pain for quite some time now. It is difficult for a few reasons. Firstly because I don’t think I have fully understood my relationship to pain yet. I touched on it in my post about knife play how I used to self harm when I was younger. The feelings of shame and that I was ‘broken’ because of it made me lock all the feelings and desires for pain play away.
Being in D/s and time has started to rewire my mindset on pain a little. That it is alright to have desires and be turned on by things that cause pain. I am certainly not broken and if done in a safe way, can enjoy pain. Although I still find it difficult to talk about sometimes, PurpleSole is very supportive in this and we are both pushing our boundaries in exploring elements of pain play.
There are many different types of physical pain that I enjoy, the main one we use is impact play like spanking or using an implement like the cane. It is the main one as PS is not a sadist so although does enjoy the dominant feeling that comes with the position, he doesn’t get off on actually giving me pain. We use the ElectraStim a lot as well (I have written about it a lot of times but these are my favourite: Flick Though Erotic Fiction, Full Metal Racket and Chasing The Electric Orgasm) which I think works better as it is providing pain for me but PS’s role is more passive.
I mentioned about it pushing both our boundaries for this reason, for PS to push me and try new pain play it is a huge thing for him as well. Very difficult and a big factor in why a lot of our play doesn’t work out how it’s intended. PS wrote about the first time we tired needle play and how he had put off doing it for quite some time. But when we did finally try it, it was me who couldn’t let him actually pierce my skin.
Recently we tried needle play again slightly more successfully, 3 needles actually went in my skin. But the play still ended on a low note. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of the needles piercing my skin, as I really really did. I just couldn’t keep my mind focused and in the place it needed to be, so I spiralled. As I still have deep rooted feelings of pain being wrong and bad I will do everything to try and wriggle out of it. Not deliberately, I just can’t help it. This barrier is really negative for PS as it makes him lose confidence in what he is trying to do. I needed PS to use words to keep my mindset focused on him, to turn the fear around and use it in a positive way for me. But that wasn’t really possible for PS as he was busy trying to keep his own mind focused on putting needles through my skin correctly.
I know that PS does want to keep trying to push my boundaries with physical pain play but I am not sure how far it can go. This isn’t negative for me because I am happy with what we are doing currently, so I don’t want it to be read into wrong. But for the play to work I need all my buttons pressed in the right way to enable me to give over the control in the way I need to. It’s not just a case of physically causing pain to me, as my mind will try and repel that away as ‘wrong’. I need to have a concoction of the right kind of words for me to open up and keep my mind on him, to take more pain for him. It’s almost as if I need to be swayed round to accept that I like doing it, even though I do.
For me erotic humiliation and causing me the right kind of emotion pain is a big turn on. A lot of my writing features elements of erotic humiliation as it is something that can be combined with any play. It is difficult though for PS to navigate and know exactly what words to use as it can be dependant on a situation. My mind can shift, calling me a slut might be taken badly at an inappropriate time. But if we are playing and I’m turned on, a ‘needy slut’ thrown in might work well.
Emotion pain can also be about taking what was a negative situation like a past event and turning it around to a positive. Owning it and making it a kink. There are a few elements from my past that we have touched on in this way but at the moment I wouldn’t be comfortable to explore further. This might change as so much of what we do in our D/s has, what was a hard limit in time doesn’t seem so negative or out of reach.
Am I a masochist?
I don’t think this is a simple yes or no answer. Like with most things, there are so many different levels and grey areas. I’m not going to get off on pain alone but It does turn me on, in the right situation. Stubbing my toe or the pain of an illness isn’t nice but am I wet remembering the feeling of a needle sinking into my skin, yes. I know I have a tendency to seek out things that will cause me pain, getting my nipples pierced for one instance.
So maybe I would be classed as a masochist, personally I’m not a huge fan of labels so will just keep being me.