Motivation Contemplation

Motivation Contemplation

The period between Christmas and New year has been a bit odd. It’s not been that busy, our relatively small families mean there is less social activity than most. However illness in our little family has had its effect on us. On our play, on our attitudes and motivation. Our D/s still feels strong, we just know that currently it’s not as active as it was. 

Firstly littlegem has been unwell, an ear infection that plagued her with pain until she could be booked in at the doctors. The medication has lessened the pain but she still isn’t 100%. Having a poorly sub means a greats emphasis on care giving rather than being a Dom. 

Secondly our children haven’t been well. This has had the biggest impact since when you are worrying about the ones you love you are not easily distracted by sexy thoughts. On New Year Eve we stayed up, chatted on The SafeworD/s Club and went to bed to have sex, trying to keep a tradition of having sex as the clock struck midnight. Fireworks went off around us as if to celebrate our bonding, a magical moment. 

Unfortunately this was also when our daughter started screaming. She didn’t like the fireworks and needed to be calmed down. By the time she was soothed and we got back to bed we just wanted to go to sleep, even if we still wanted to have sex we were shattered. Never mind there’s always next year. 

The holiday time itself is usually when our dynamic shifts and kinky play lessens. Part of that is because the routine changes during this time, and I love a good routine. Routine gives me time to think, to write and to plan ahead. A little part of me misses going to work, to feel like I’m achieving something. 

Having expected to go back to work on a Thursday I was called to say have an extra couple of days off and to come in on Monday. Lucky me right? Part of me worries why that is the case but overall I should be happy with my free holiday shouldn’t I? I want to get going, I feel like I’m in the starting blocks just waiting for the year to begin. What motivates me is doing and I just don’t feel like that is happening. 

So What Now? 

To get my motivation back I will accept that my routine will get back to normal. Much like I accept the kinky play will return when the other factors are of less concern. I will endeavour to speak to littlegem about her own needs and what I can do to motivate her. 

In times past this would get me more down. Like I was a failure for not regularly providing kinky play.  But there is an understanding between littlegem and I that wasn’t there before. The rituals and the little things we do are enough to maintain the feelings of dominance and submission in ourselves. Yes a good play would be wonderful but knowing that our dynamic is secure enough in its basic form is a pleasing place to be. 

But I don’t want to become complacent. We still are having sex in our way, with dirty talk and power play in its roots. But I wouldn’t describe it as a kinky lifestyle, not currently. Even though the relationship between us is sound it doesn’t stop negative thinking on my own behalf. 

What if I’m not kinky enough? 

What if I’m not a good enough partner? 

Everyone can suffer from self doubt. I have to remind myself that kinky isn’t a competition, it is whatever you want it to be. There have been many times when I’ve wanted our kink to be more, more D/s with more dominance and more submission. But we are all different and to think that by being more vanilla is weaker is a fallacy. That’s partly why I have an issue with the word ‘vanilla’, implying a degree of plain or boring.

There is nothing wrong with using the time that would usually be spent playing in a kinky manner to cuddle instead. We are both still working towards a close relationship with each other. Most nights have recent have been about being on the sofa together. Luckily for littlegem, or should I say Ruby, she has toys from Christmas to play with and it is enjoyable to see her do that. Having little time does feel like a backdoor way into having kinky play but it is fun. 

The mojo will come back, I know it will. We just need to be patience with each other and enjoy the time that we do spend together. Having lazy nights in each others company is not wasted, after all the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. 

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21 Replies to “Motivation Contemplation

  1. I’m really glad I read your post. I have always had a tendency of thinking of kink as a ‘competition’. I’m kinkier than you are, or I’ll take my kink further than you’d think. But it doesn’t have to be that way, and sometimes life just limits opportunities. I’ll keep that in mind — probably for the next few years…. xoxo

  2. MrH has always said you can’t, shouldn’t and mustn’t compare your relationship with anyone else’s. We are all unique and so our relationships are too.

    I often fall into the, but I’m not as good as xyz trap and thankfully when I do he is there to remind me not to. I guess it’s one of our unwritten rules lol.

    Personally I love vanilla as much as kink. To me D/s isn’t just about how much kinky fucking you can do it is about the connection and love we have, and quiet cuddles, or just holding hands is just as important .

    Sweetgirl x

    1. I quite agree. MrH has a wise head on his shoulders. The cuddling is good but I think it’s more because we have things we want to do but can’t for various reasons. I’m just impatient.

  3. I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘vanilla’ lately and I think we need to start a motion in kink to revalidate it as an option because I think too many of us have at one time or another felt like a ‘failure’ for easing back on kink, either out of choice or necessity and leaning back on vanilla ways as a source of intimacy. In fact, I may have a whole post in me on this very topic, we shall see. Enjoying time together however it looks is all good though, and you two will totally get your kinky groove back soon, those germs are totally evil though for disrupting things, hope everyone is fit and well very soon xxx

    1. You should definitely write that, especially as you are much more articulate than I am. Plus I like reading your opinion pieces. Thanks, we will get the groove back. Soon enough it’ll be longer days and warmer and better for kinky play.

  4. I think everything in life is lead in someway by the moon. And the moon is powerful enough to make the tide turn.
    Relationships are a bit like the tide – they ebb and they flow. It is being able to come to terms with the rise and fall that makes a partnership work. I can’t say I am particularly good at this but i have every confidence u two will be 😉 x

  5. Don’t you think that this is a difficult time of year for motivation – holidays, illness, darkness etc? The ebb and flow of kink / vanilla is part of life, I’m sure it will return stronger than ever when you are both feeling well and in the right frame. Great post PS.

  6. I totally understand the self doubt, as I tend to go that route too, but I have come to a point (forced there by life) where I understand that kink is very much part of me, even though I am not acting on any of that at the moment. We all have our down times, some longer than others, but when something is so part of you, you always return to it when the time is right.

    Rebel xox

  7. I think this is a very powerful and insightful post. It shows your vulnerability and your fight against your own doubts. It sounds like you’re coping with it all in a really good way. I hope the routine comes back soon and things will get a bit easier again

  8. Everything in life ebbs and flows and it’s a difficult thing to experience. The last two weeks of holidays and mixed up routines has gotten to me too and I’m glad to return to the normal. I think it’s important to keep in mind that you don’t stop being kinky or Dominant or submissive just because you aren’t actively doing a thing. I’m on a bit of a hiatus from fiction writing but I’m still a writer. It’s still there. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’ll flow back in force when it’s time.

  9. Very much with you when it comes to trying not to see time spent in “vanilla” moments as wasted kink opportunities. It’s true – it’s not a contest to reach maximum kink-level!! It’s about sharing moments together, no matter what their flavour ?

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