The period between Christmas and New year has been a bit odd. It’s not been that busy, our relatively small families mean there is less social activity than most. However illness in our little family has had its effect on us. On our play, on our attitudes and motivation. Our D/s still feels strong, we just know that currently it’s not as active as it was.
Firstly littlegem has been unwell, an ear infection that plagued her with pain until she could be booked in at the doctors. The medication has lessened the pain but she still isn’t 100%. Having a poorly sub means a greats emphasis on care giving rather than being a Dom.
Secondly our children haven’t been well. This has had the biggest impact since when you are worrying about the ones you love you are not easily distracted by sexy thoughts. On New Year Eve we stayed up, chatted on The SafeworD/s Club and went to bed to have sex, trying to keep a tradition of having sex as the clock struck midnight. Fireworks went off around us as if to celebrate our bonding, a magical moment.
Unfortunately this was also when our daughter started screaming. She didn’t like the fireworks and needed to be calmed down. By the time she was soothed and we got back to bed we just wanted to go to sleep, even if we still wanted to have sex we were shattered. Never mind there’s always next year.
The holiday time itself is usually when our dynamic shifts and kinky play lessens. Part of that is because the routine changes during this time, and I love a good routine. Routine gives me time to think, to write and to plan ahead. A little part of me misses going to work, to feel like I’m achieving something.
Having expected to go back to work on a Thursday I was called to say have an extra couple of days off and to come in on Monday. Lucky me right? Part of me worries why that is the case but overall I should be happy with my free holiday shouldn’t I? I want to get going, I feel like I’m in the starting blocks just waiting for the year to begin. What motivates me is doing and I just don’t feel like that is happening.
So What Now?
To get my motivation back I will accept that my routine will get back to normal. Much like I accept the kinky play will return when the other factors are of less concern. I will endeavour to speak to littlegem about her own needs and what I can do to motivate her.
In times past this would get me more down. Like I was a failure for not regularly providing kinky play. But there is an understanding between littlegem and I that wasn’t there before. The rituals and the little things we do are enough to maintain the feelings of dominance and submission in ourselves. Yes a good play would be wonderful but knowing that our dynamic is secure enough in its basic form is a pleasing place to be.
But I don’t want to become complacent. We still are having sex in our way, with dirty talk and power play in its roots. But I wouldn’t describe it as a kinky lifestyle, not currently. Even though the relationship between us is sound it doesn’t stop negative thinking on my own behalf.
What if I’m not kinky enough?
What if I’m not a good enough partner?
Everyone can suffer from self doubt. I have to remind myself that kinky isn’t a competition, it is whatever you want it to be. There have been many times when I’ve wanted our kink to be more, more D/s with more dominance and more submission. But we are all different and to think that by being more vanilla is weaker is a fallacy. That’s partly why I have an issue with the word ‘vanilla’, implying a degree of plain or boring.
There is nothing wrong with using the time that would usually be spent playing in a kinky manner to cuddle instead. We are both still working towards a close relationship with each other. Most nights have recent have been about being on the sofa together. Luckily for littlegem, or should I say Ruby, she has toys from Christmas to play with and it is enjoyable to see her do that. Having little time does feel like a backdoor way into having kinky play but it is fun.
The mojo will come back, I know it will. We just need to be patience with each other and enjoy the time that we do spend together. Having lazy nights in each others company is not wasted, after all the time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.