While on holiday as a child my parents decided it was best for me to go to a kids club. They told me it would be good to make friends on holiday but I see now as an adult it was most probably about having time to themselves so that they could enjoy it.
I hated it, meeting new people, urgh. Of course those in charge had a way of breaking the ice with this array of children of differing ages and nationalities, the name game. Say your name out loud, prefixed with an adjective to describe yourself (preferably alliterative) to the rest of the group. As well as this we had to come up with an accompanying gesture. Having a name beginning with A, I chose awkward.
“Hello I’m awkward *******”, followed by an awkward mini jazz hands, a shamed look to the floor and hastily sit back down. It bugs me that I remember this so clearly despite it being years ago. Its thoughts like this that pop up into my brain every so often, awkward moments that produce a shudder years later.
The reason I mention this is that I am on a journey to reclaim these awkward feelings. Part of our D/s dynamic and why we do it is because I want to have that confidence befitting of a husband to my wife and a father to my children. Plus Dom’s are meant to be confident and decisive, that’s a sexy attribute to have.
Taking steps to feel less awkward
This isn’t a quick fix. It is a slow process down to making changes and implementing them even if they take me out of my comfort zone. I hear advice such as ‘be yourself’ or ‘don’t worry what other people think’ but what kind of advice is that? Worrying what people think is what drives a lot of my decisions so it isn’t going to be that simple. In a D/s scenario worrying about my sub can lead to a cautious approach and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it shouldn’t be there to make the experience less enjoyable. Of course there are safe words and I know littlegem will use them but there is always that thought in the back of my mind.
“What if she isn’t enjoying this, what if I’m not doing this right, what if I’m hurting her too much?”
The answer is trust in myself and believe what littlegem says and not what she does. She’ll flinch and say ouch during impact, but that is part of her enjoyment and I’m not yet rewired to ignore that. Awkwardness (the lack of) and confidence it seems go hand in hand. So how will I change that.
Feel better about me
Being more comfortable in my own skin is a good start. Not being the person that looks down and holds themselves uncomfortably around others. The push here has can from exposing myself more, having found myself in front of the camera a bit more recently.
And if you’re the kind of person who wants to see a picture of my erect penis, see our Sinful Sunday image this week.
Look after myself
Most of my reasons for being uncomfortable about myself have been to my weight, or lack off. Short and underweight hasn’t been the sexiest masculine look for a while. Luckily fatherhood has redressed that issue tipping my BMI into the healthy category and littlegem says I look better for it. Strangely the person I see in the pictures doesn’t look how I feel still in the same way you don’t like the way your voice sounds when you hear it replayed to you.
I have found myself with about 10 minutes free most mornings. Time I have chosen to exercise. Exercising being a constructive use of time, staving off the need to chronically masturbate at any given alone time. It’s not long but the fact that I’m doing something seems to be a positive driver.
Getting out there
Meeting people, but not like I did at holiday camp. Meeting similarly minded kinky people. Going to Eroticon this year was the first step and although I felt it was a wasted opportunity in many ways I am determined to do better next year. Having the chance to meet the people from the Internet in person should be grasped with both hands.
Personal note: Hug and/or speak to Maria Rebelle and don’t wait until the Sunday afternoon to awkwardly introduce myself.
Going to local munches and being part of an online community goes some way to feeling included. I have tried to comment on more blogs than I would normally, trying to make myself appear confident. In real life situations sometimes just self belief that you are more confident than you really are is a great first step.
Awkward for good reason
Occasionally being awkward can avoid situations. Having arrived at Eroticon this year we checked ourselves into our hotel and were joined in the lift by a woman who looked like she was there for same reasons as us.
Ask her if she’s here for the conference, say are you a blogger? Maybe she’s new too.
I didn’t, we stood in silence and waited for the lift to take us to where we wanted, the British way. It would later turn out that this woman, who I was going to ask if she blogged, was Girl on the Net. Awkward situation averted.