A Little Respect

A Little Respect: A Glass in a 'pub'

Respect

“Pub?” 

These words fill me with dread, they shouldn’t do, after all it’s the second home of any British male, or at least it should be, right? 

The person asking is the father of one of the children that is at the same playgroup as my own child. He, along with a another father are ditching the family for some rest bite at their favourite watering hole. I don’t really know them that well and my social skills are somewhat lacking. But then again I haven’t been out to a pub in a long time, let alone drink in one seeing as I’m the driver usually. So I say yes, well what I really say is “.. Sure”. Good enough for them, I’m going. 

Upon arrival the instigator in this series of events asks what I’m drinking. Now I’m usually a Gin and Tonic man myself but would rather not be crippled into buying 2 drinks that look like 1. They have pints of brown liquid, so go for a pint of cider not being a beer drinker. 

Sitting down with them it is clear that if it wasn’t for our children being born at a similar time and within local proximity we wouldn’t be here together. One is an alpha male type, into sports and fitness. The other is a tradesman and goes into technical details about making stuff when he isn’t chain smoking his cigarette. I am out of my depth. My only real ‘hobby’ is this blog and a variety of deviant sexual acts with my wife which probably won’t sit well with two relative strangers. I’m hardly going to begin a conversation about Spanking littlegem’s bottom red raw. The only thing that binds us is children, so we end up talking about child birth. 

“You see, I’ve been kicked in the nuts, and that really hurts..” 

He needn’t finish this sentence, I know where its going and I stare at him to stop my eyes rolling. His point eventually is that if she is in pain she should ask for pain relief. They both do, after all saves the pain of your hand being squeezed eh lads eh?! Never mind that natural childbirth is a choice. 

The evening is enjoyable, but it is tainted with the tone of disrespect. It may as well be summed up by tutting and saying “women eh?” I most probably isolate myself by not agreeing. I found myself alone in the belief that I wouldn’t swap positions with my wife, her going to work rather than staying at home with the children. I know how much pressure she is under and I don’t know how she does it.

It seems your partner is the easiest person to be rude about and that it is completely normal to do so. To the point where I find myself invited into the conversation to be disrespectful about my own wife. 

A D/s relationship is about respect, its about listening to your partners needs and looking out for each other. But then again, shouldn’t any relationship? This is not to say I’m perfect in this regard, I have found myself saying things I shouldn’t have and regretted saying them. 

Back at the pub alpha male points across the room, at least we think he is. Tradesman very quickly realises he is looking at a waitress who has bent over to serve the table opposite. Now, it’s not uncommon for littlegem and I to admire a stranger. I still remember the time I couldn’t stop looking at a man at a wedding that looked like Ryan Reynolds. But in this situation we are three men in a pub looking at woman’s arse, and it is a little uncomfortable. Discussion with littlegem later confirmed that his partner would not have been happy with this behaviour. 

Not Just the Pub

Disrespect for your partner seems to be easy point scoring. The people you can hurt most are those closest to you. Perhaps taking for granted how much they mean to you. It doesn’t seem to matter your age, gender, whatever. It’s all too familiar to hear work colleagues coming to work after a weekend and complaining on a day now referred to as ‘Moanday’. 

My children love Peppa Pig. I like it too, it’s funny. However my biggest bugbear is Daddy Pig. He is portrayed as fat, lazy and stupid. It’s hardly the only television programme where those characteristics define the father figure. So when my 1 year old is telling me that I’m a ‘silly daddy’ it shows how much influence it has. 

Social norms tell us that its ok to say bad things about our partners and those we love. That it’s fine to degrade them in front of our peers. What I enjoy about this community is reading about dynamics where this isn’t the case, Collared Michael’s blog is a prime example. He has so much positivity for his partner and I can only hope that I can portray that much love of littlegem.

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30 Replies to “A Little Respect

  1. I really enjoyed this PS. I have definitely found the same thing and it was a big reason that I stopped socialising with my vanilla friends. It seemed being happy with your husband and adoring him wasn’t cool 😊

  2. Thank you for the shout out! I love and admire my Queen. I do everything in my power to support her and please her. I feel good doing things for her and would never belittle her in the slightest. I don’t understand guys that behave that way. I’m glad those facts come through in my writings.

  3. I know what you mean…. I find it hard to socialise with people who are disrespectful to their significant others now. I stay silent rather than join in because speaking up and challenging their behaviour just isn’t something I want to get into. Instead I avoid it.

  4. Some good observations PS, which unfortunately I have witnessed from old friends that I had not seen in a long time. I felt almost snobbish about their inappropriate remarks, and if I’m honest, just bored with it.

  5. Bravo to you for not falling in line with their disparaging remarks. In social settings as you described, it’s hard to not at least throw out a soft “jab” about your partner, just so you fit in. Such behavior perpetuates that behavior in others.
    One rule I have is to never disparage my husband to others. Further, anything I say must be positive and complimenting. The good part of that is that I have plenty to compliment my husband on. If my friends start in with their relationship pity-party I will have non of it. I counter with the things I appreciate about my husband and strongly infer they find something to share that they appreciate.

    1. That is great that you are positive and complimentary. Especially when it comes to encouraging others to do so. I think this is why social situations are my strongest areas.

  6. I’ve long said that the vanilla world could learn a lot of lessons from the kink world, especially about respect, responsibility, consent and communication. Your post just confirmed that.

  7. Wonderfully noted! Also I remember the character of Daddy Pig rubbing the wrong way, too, from the 3 or 4 episodes that I watched. I think what you describe is an example of “toxic masculinity”, a fashionable term these days, at least around these parts, and for a good reason. I assume there is also a gender-reversed phenomenon, not talked about much at all, but alluded to in jennifer’s comment.

    Guessing you will try to minimize engaging with these particular paternal figures in the future.

    1. Yes, I have found myself watching a lot of peppa pig lol. I think avoidance is tricky since we go to the same places, but on the other hand it was a chance to go out so I’m torn.

  8. Thanks for this post. You’re so spot-on. Yes, a D/s relationship is all about respect. It would be nice if that concept could be more generally accepted in any relationship, however, brief or tenuous. Thanks! 😘

  9. This is an important post for many reasons IMO.
    First – oh yes how many “friends” did I make just because my kids hung out with theirs! Where are they all now I wonder. But I don’t, i couldn’t give a damn.
    Second – The staring at waitress thing. Well TBH if I had been with my man we probably both would have and commented to each other but it would have been a positive conversation about what great legs she had or something similar. I don’t really catch him eyeing up other women much. I probably do that more with women or men but purely because I see their beauty. I did catch him doing it the other day. She was about 25 – and at first I thought I was going to call him out on it. Then I looked and she was a dead ringer for me at that age. He saw me looking and commented the same thing.
    The third thing really, really annoys me – the portrayal of the Peppa Pig Daddy. This is deliberate to undermine the way the man of the family is seen and infuriates me no end! It is done all over the show – growllll
    End of essay 😉 x

    1. Thank you for your enjoyable comment, the peppa pig thing seems to irritate people. It’s a shame my daughters love it so much.

      Also must be really weird to see someone that looks like you from the past.

  10. Oh this definitely hits a nerve with me. I have written about having respect for others so many times, that I sound like a broken record, but seriously, when men can’t even have respect for their own partners, where will this world go to? It’s terrible that there are so many (wo)men who think that it’s ‘cool’ to bitch about their partners in such a disrespectful way. In my opinion disrespect towards another says a lot more about the one being disrespectful than the other. There should be more men like you (and Master T).

    Rebel xox

  11. Yeah, I totally agree. It annoys me and to be honest, I might have even joined in with it a time or two myself, way back when. But it’s not okay. From the ridicule of Daddy pig (I hated Peppa pig for that, fatphobia even in a kids programme!) to the ‘oh, my husband doesn’t even know how to use a washing machine’ kind of comments. They’re all disrespectful and perpetuate unhelpful stereotypes.

    1. The annoying thing is I really like peppa pig, and it amuses me that people have got so riled up about it. But yes, we really should be more nice to each other.

  12. I was nodding throughout your post, PS … I am always annoyed with people who disrespect their partners, especially out in public. However, I have to say most of my experience with it has been in the company of women complaining about their spouses, not the other way around.

    Frank (who is a tradesman btw … wink, wink :>)) has never been the type to have beer with the boys so has not had much exposure to the type of experience you describe. However, we do have experience with a couple (his older brother and wife), where she is always putting his brother down – with him and us in the room. Thankfully we don’t have to see them much anymore. However, the past few times when they’ve come to visit, when they leave Frank has been known to comment (given we have a DD foundation) … “she makes my palms itch” :>)

    And re the waitress observations … Frank does notice women … however, so do I. I am entirely hetero but I do love a nice female bum … and have been known to point out to him any nice bums I think he might enjoy as well :>) … nj … xx

    1. Thank you Nora, gem and I like to notice people too. Generally I will catch gem looking then use it against her in a sexy way. I think it was just the way it was intented that got me.

      Frank sounds like a great tradesman, wish there way someone near here like him, could be handy.

  13. Bravo PS. It takes strength of character and a very genuinely respectful partner not to fall into that “pub talk” – beer, machismo and egos, not a great combination for respectful and loving talk. You are so right – D/s, BDSM-ers and genuinely kink-positive folks have an acute sense of respect for our partners to which the ” blokey pub culture” here is not very conducive!

  14. “I can only hope that I can portray that much love of littlegem.” . . . well you certainly do. Normally with your wonderful photos . . . but also with your words here.
    Lovely !!!
    Xxx – K

  15. I love this community!
    PurpleSole your post was spot on with most of the folks of this world. I have been fortunate to hangout with friends and acquaintances who share my respect for others but I see the Alpha Male bullshit everywhere. Like someone above send in replies. I appreciate beauty and will talk to my partner about observing beauty. There are times where it can spur a fantasy. But I have grown to where I work on not falling into society’s misogynistic ways.
    Thanks for expressing feelings I share.

    1. Thank you, looks like I need to find friends and acquaintances like yours. Either that or encourage those to be more respectful of their partners.

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