I’ve said it before, but a D/s dynamic is a constant evolution. Survival of this kind of relationship is dependent on both sides working together, not letting it slide. Of course up’s and down’s are to be expected, but don’t think once the positions of Dominant and submissive are established that you are done.
Each relationship is different, but for me Dominance comes from the way littlegem interacts with me. Not necessarily during play, although that is part of it. It is the way she addresses me, wanting to be submissive. I can’t expect her to be like this all the time. Aside from having children, there are times when the power exchange is challenged and it is up to me to manage the situation.
Power from Denial
Recently we finished 32 days of denial. It was exciting to have control over littlegem in this way. As the weeks went by there was a change in her, needy and desperate. She would message me at work randomly, telling me how horny she was and in need of release. It was very tempting to give her what she needed. Every morning she would wake up wet, I know so because I would touch her and remind her so. I would tease her almost every day. She wanted me to, it wouldn’t be denial if I didn’t remind her regularly of the predicament she was in. It gave me great pleasure too, I began to not feel bad about having sex and purposely not giving her an orgasm. Because there was a lot of sex, she wanted it, I provided it. As they say, leave them wanting more!
Then it came, by which I mean the end of 32 days, littlegem came too. The challenge was over, but what now? It was decided that I was in charge of IF littlegem had an orgasm, a change from deciding when. At any given point she doesn’t know when her next orgasm will be. It’s another tool to maintain the dynamic and it has been in place for a couple of weeks now.
Is it working? Yes…
This week hasn’t given me an accurate reading of whether it will work long term. Littlegem is on her period and with it has come some emotional turbulence. On my phone I track her cycle to know what to expect. I try to use that knowledge to adjust my behaviour accordingly.
I can’t begin to understand how it feels, so I won’t pretend that I do. All I can do is ask what she wants from me. This doesn’t stop her emotions getting to me. She can get distressed and more upset, and I still don’t know the best way to deal with it. I don’t feel I can ‘Dom’ my way out of a situation like this, it’s too complex. She needs understanding, as much as it frustrates me that she isn’t acting normally. Play is on hold, rituals don’t always happen. I give her love and encouragement because that’s what I want to give her. A cuddle on the sofa for an evening, her favourite cuddly toy. I can’t expect the pain she’s feeling to go away and I also know it won’t last forever. I do what is needed but what she needs is support.
That said I have had her play with some sex toys to put her mind off it. Denying her then was an interesting move, but hopefully she understands why I am doing it. A small tantrum at the time is replaced with increased feelings of submission later on. I’m playing the long game to maintain the dynamic because ultimately she wants me to take that control away from her, to remain the one with the power.