I’ve not always felt masculine. This isn’t to say I felt I was someone or something else, just not masculine. I’m used to that feeling. I am who I am and I have accepted that.
There are three people in my everyday life that make me feel masculine. My wife (littlegem) and my two daughters.
I became a father at 26, a fairly normal age. The first baby in my family since me. Also the first within our friend group. I say that because multiple times I’ve been told:
“I can’t imagine you as a dad”.
It may just be me, over-analysing what they really mean. My first feeling is ‘what the fuck do you mean by that?’
Yes I look young for my age, I don’t complain about that because and let’s all say this together.
“You’ll appreciate it when you’re older.”
When littlegem and I bought our house together we would get people coming to the door selling things.
“Are your parents at home?”
So it’s not all bad. I just don’t always feel a strong sense of masculinity.
Redefining my Own Masculinity
I’m not tall or strong so don’t fit the typical tropes of attractive masculine features. Neither am I a more progressive view of masculinity, at 9 1/2 stone I don’t yet have the ‘dad bod’.
When I said earlier that there were three people in my life that make me feel masculine it may be because they give me purpose. They look up to me to look after them, to care for them when they are sad. The times when I don’t feel myself are when I feel useless, pathetic. To feel loved and appreciated gives me purpose.
I can forgot this from time to time. Get lost in my own feelings, that I’m not good enough, that I don’t meet expectations. As a guy I can feel there are assumptions about my own ability. For example I’m terrible at DIY, if anyone is going to fix something in the house it will be littlegem because she likes fixing things.
There are also assumptions about the person I’ve chosen to be with. That marriage has tied me down and that I am not a he, but a we. I like being a we, a team. It can almost be a shock to others when I express my desire to spend time with my family, as much as reasonably possible whilst working full time.
A Guy is a Guy?
Men can feel vulnerable and it’s not always easy to show your weaknesses or to be able to articulate your feelings in the manor they were intended.
Men are all different, so I can only speak for myself rather than others. Love, emotions and intimacy are so often neglected. So I don’t like being told that men are all the same, that we’re only after one thing.
Says a man writing a sex blog, so what do I know?