The beginning of our D/s dynamic was started much like many other married couples. My wife, littlegem, asking for me to be her dominant. I was asked to take control, to assert myself and take the lead.
Now anyone who has met me would think it absurd to think that was I ‘the dominant’. Gem can be strong minded at times, whereas I possibly have a more go with the flow attitude. Quiet, shy, a bit of a push over. Then what on earth am I doing in this situation? I enjoy kink, the fun of trying new things, the naughtiness, but I couldn’t handle being in he submissive position. Littlegem wants to be seen as small, almost insignificant, something I only associate with negative thoughts. The idea of not being naturally dominant, but being so to your partner has intrigued me ever since.
It cannot be underestimated how much talking is needed. Being open and discussing your kinks and fantasies is just the beginning. My role is to provide a lifestyle that gem has asked for in a way that works for us both. This does mean listening, directly and indirectly. There are desires she has that need to be eeked out of her, because she won’t willfully say it herself. A tricky balance of following her desire with taking initiative, without going too far. Evaluate, analyse, remove the elements that don’t work and let those that do shine.
We make time to talk every Sunday, discussing the past week and where we feel we both are with our Dominance/submission. Making time is so valuable, even without the kink. Just having that time for yourselves.
As the week goes by I use the conversations we have to make plans in my head, some gentle and loving, others humiliating and less loving (on the face of it). The play used to be my weakness, not knowing what to do, understanding gem’s submission. Her’s is unique like anyone else’s and I feel more comfortable in that scenario.
But for the rest of the time, during everyday normal boring life, I am still to provide dominance. This has been the tricky part, there are more outside factors at play that need to be dealt with.
Fighting for Dominance
Control is not a given. It feels strange that I’ve been asked to take control in many areas of our relationship, yet I need to maintain that control because gem will try to take it back. She will challenge me and will want me to push back. Everyday situations where it feels she is trying to wrestle the control of me.
But you want this, don’t you? Why ask to be dominated and have control taken away if you try and take it back at given moments?
It’s frustrating at times. It feels like everything she says she wants is a lie. I know it’s not and the answer is simple, in theory at least. Take the reigns and tell her no, this is what we are doing. It seems so counter-productive to the lifestyle we had before.
For example, what if she’s right, her way is better (a common one). It knocks me down, I want to feel like I’m making the right choices for her so she doesn’t have to. It’s unreasonable to assume but failure inevitable at some point.
Dominance has to be Earned
It’s a constant evaluation. There’s never going to be a point where I reach critical Domness and she wilfully submits to everything I say. It is always going to be a work in progress, it will always need to be adapted and it will always change.
Littlegem has trust in me, I have trust in her. Ultimately we make our decisions based on our love for each other. I must earn her submission. Remember all the things she said. To keep up with her daily routine so that she doesn’t overload herself. To check in with her regularly so that she may tell me of any issues. Her exercise schedule, her daily underwear, I especially need to remind her to drink more. There are many small details that make this dynamic what it is.
Dominance is not easy, it is fun and brings a new level of intimacy to a relationship that I thought couldn’t get any better. It is effort, thinking on your feet and trusting the words of your partner. It is dominance in my own way, shaping the path that we walk down together.