As a husband and wife, as a Dom and sub we trust each other. Trust helps keep the relationship healthy, but not as easy as you think. Trust means being vulnerable, being in a position to let your partner catch you when you fall.
Littlegem Trusting in Me
While we both have a say in how the dynamic is shaped, it is me that takes the reins for everyday. The play, the rituals and the bits in between.
When planning to play there may be elements that require trust on gem’s behalf. She may not have a clue what may be asked of her. She simply cannot enjoy herself if she doesn’t allow herself to trust in my actions.
I need to be wary of keeping her safe. Checks-ins and safeword’s during. Aftercare and communication afterwards. Our play does involve danger, wax play, knife play or sticking a piece of ginger up her arse. These intensify a scene and I wouldn’t want gem to be asking if I knew what I was doing.
Quite a lot of the time I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing. But reading about safety and doing research is certainly important.
During our time in D/s gem has opened up so much. Even a year on she continues to do so. Everytime she shares something I feel drawn to her. Sharing can be difficult and worrying about acceptance from each other can seem silly, especially afterwards. Puppy play is a prime example of this.
It started out on the red list, too ‘weird’ for our tastes. Over time (albeit a short amount of time retrospectively), we talked about and tried it. Gem was so nervous and as puppy she couldn’t drink from a bowl. A red was sounded and aftercare for quite emotional. It was too much, too intense. Taking a step back we took our time to try again. Since then we haven’t looked back. We have the confidence to share our experiences and photos. Puppy has an array of toys and bowls, as well as a beautiful collar & leash. None of these would happen without trust.
Trust in Littlegem
I must trust littlegem as much as she puts trust in me. When we enter into a dynamic such as D/s, I need to know that she will communicate what she wants and doesn’t want. There are kinks of hers that I understand and can act on to add more excitement to a scene.
But we’re all different and we don’t have the same kinks. For those kinks that I don’t understand at first it is crucial that she feels safe enough to share. I feel a duty to allow gem to explore her desires and can only do so if that trust is there. I need to know what it is she wants from me as a Dom, since a lot of her submission comes verbally. How else can I humiliate her in a way that creates a positive response. I know of the negative triggers and avoid them best I can. Seeing her squirm and pour at me does have a beauty to it.
At any time gem can say red, to end or at least pause a scene. She isn’t getting the experience she wants and we stop. But it is the use of the word yellow that I have found more difficult. Yellow says ‘I’m on the limit’ and is useful for me to know where we stand. However I need to trust that gem is being truthful. There has been times when red has been called before any yellow, I feel guilty for taking her too far but annoyed that she didn’t let me know sooner that she wasn’t liking it. Increased check ins, and experiences mean that isn’t the case now but when starting out it can certainly cause issues.
Trust in Myself
This is a big one for me personally. To have faith in my own ability. If I don’t it can become a self fulfilling prophecy that puts me in the wrong head space, setting me up to fail before we’ve begun.
Anytime we try new things we mock play, a dress rehearsal if you will. There is a lot of talking, “do you like it when I do this” etc. This can be overwhelming if it is something I’m not completely comfortable with but I acknowledge that there needs to be a starting point. I would rather have a safe space to discuss issues before using it in a scene.
When it comes to scenes themselves I can feel nervous. I remember before our interrogation scene having a feeling of “I can’t do this”, despite all the planning. Gem also knows this about me and is helpful when she can be. Getting myself over that hurdle feels great, it may not work every time, but when it does it I feel like have really achieved.
Trust in each other
Ultimately we trust each other because we keep the lines of communication open. Having someone to share my feelings has been valuable. I can get advice and understand myself better than if I would try and think about it myself.