That is the question…
You would think the answer would be a simple ‘hell yes’ but it’s not. I have written before in my orgasm post that I used to frequently enjoy masturbation. I would mostly hide it from PurpleSole, maybe telling him one occasion out of four when I would do it. This was of course before D/s. It’s not that I was ashamed of my masturbation. It was more because I was in control. In control of my pleasure and in control of if I would share my tales with PS, which he would obviously love hearing. But I wanted to keep them for me.
When we started D/s, PS took control of my orgasm and things changed. I didn’t have the power anymore and that allowed me to slowly give up control of my pleasure into his hands. It’s of course still a working progress and there are areas that I hold back with. Things take time and I know that it’s ok. One example of this is nipple play, I am very happy to squeeze and pull them myself. When PS has a go I feel myself becoming on edge, a residual part of me holding back from when I used to be in control of them whilst breastfeeding.
With giving up control of my orgasms PS also decided that I could masturbate when I was not in his presence but I wasn’t allowed to come, not without his permission. He wanted for me to enjoy my body still but didn’t want it to affect the power exchange and ultimately his control over my orgasms. I think his idea was that if I needed to come, I would message him and ask permission.
What actually happened was I stopped masturbating. I don’t have enough self control to get to the point of no return and just stop. Even enough time to wait for a reply of my message. In that moment a devil would be on my shoulder saying ‘do it, he will never know’ and the only advise the angel would give would be ‘if you do it you will tell him, that will somehow make it better’. So in my eyes stopping completely was the only option. This for me worked fine though, I enjoyed only being sexual in his presence, his to decide when I was to have a release.
We experienced a bit of a drop and decided to take part in the 30 Day Orgasm Challenge, you can read our first post about it here. As part of the challenge PS decided to ask me to masturbate to finish whilst he was at work, you can read about how I got off whilst in front of a mirror. It was a nice change, something that I hadn’t done for a while and really enjoyed.
This spurred a few more events of PS asking me to masturbate in front of him and another time (which I couldn’t do) to go at it by myself. The problem was I started to rely again on myself bringing my own pleasure. And although it was different than before because PS had asked me to do it, I was pleasuring myself for him. I could feel my control coming back and having an affect on my body.
PS uses a countdown for me to come, something he has almost trained the response in me over time. Although I can’t just come with no stimulation (but would love this to be the case one day), his words are certainly the driving affect of my orgasm. This was starting to revert, he would count down to one and it wasn’t an instant tip over like it had been. It was as if my body was starting to rebel to his words.
Is their an answer?
I need the power exchange to be felt all the time, it is what fuels D/s for me and my submission. I of course want to please PS in everything he is to ask of me, but it has to work ultimately for our dynamic.
I wrote this piece about 3 weeks ago, around the time that our 30 day orgasm challenge went a bit awry. As I stated it ended up having a negative affect on me and we stopped. PS and I had a chat after I had sorted my thoughts out writing this and decided that I wouldn’t masturbate unless in front of him. This piece of writing was never published as I hadn’t really intended it to be and didn’t know how to finish it anyway. So it was left.
I have a schedule that PS does for me every week and in an attempt to push me a bit more I asked PS to give me extra tasks that would please him. This week PS has added a 5 points bonus if I masturbate to porn whilst alone during the day and not orgasm.
So I am at a crossroads. My feelings above do still stand, I feel unable to indulge myself in masturbation and not come. But I want to please PS and I do want to be pushed. I can see the logic that doing this task for him would tick both of those boxes, perhaps this is why he has set it. It is not obligatory, no punishment or negative backlash would happen if I weren’t to complete the task. Ultimately I am still unsure of what to do, though my submissive side is screaming out that I will have to do it. Just not today though, I have until the end of the week.
I decided that I would take a quick photo of my knickers and thigh high socks to include for Lingerie is for Everyone. I must say doing so, especially with my hand down my knickers has made me feel in a bit of a naughty mood.