We have no written contract for our dynamic. As fun as coming up with an official document sounds (that’s not sarcastic by the way), we have chosen not to do so. Partly because of the time it would take to write, given we know the rules ourselves. Also the way our dynamic is constantly evolving would mean there would be a lot of re-writing involved. With a couple of spreadsheets and blog to keep on top of there is enough D/s admin in our lives.
Rules, like rituals, maintain the control elements of our dominant and submissive sides. They empower us and are designed to make us feel good about ourselves. Rules are also written to encourage behaviour in littlegem that I wish for. If we feel a rule is not working then we simply won’t continue with it.
The Carrot vs The Stick
One of the biggest ways the rules have changed is the way they are policed. I know that gem wants to ultimately follow the rules, albeit the occasional cheekiness. Sometimes situations don’t allow those rules to be followed. This can lead to gem feeling disappointed. For example she has an exercise routine to follow, but if she isn’t feeling well or other circumstances don’t allow it, then that can lead to misery. This is especially the case when rule breaking can lead to punishment.
Punishment is less of a feature than it used to be. Frankly I was running out of ways to punish her without her enjoying it so much. After gem swore at me disrespectfully I washed her mouth out with soap, which only turned her on.
Now I must take stock, understand how gem is feeling and take steps to nurture her. I will step in and tell her not to exercise, rather than wait for her to tell me. Completion of daily tasks such as this result in reward rather than being punished if they are not done. I don’t want the rules to add unnecessary pressure.
No Eating Before Master
This was an early rule to get us used to the dynamic we have. It’s fairly simple, gem has to wait for me to start eating before she can. It’s mostly a bit of fun, especially when around others.
No orgasm without permission
Littlegem, much like others, enjoys being brought to orgasm. Taking control of this has been one of the most effective ways to exercise my dominance. If we’re together I tell her when she is to orgasm. If we’re not, I
could message her and tell her to masturbate. Coupled with this control has been the chastity belt. Gem wouldn’t touch herself in the evening when it’s worn anyway, but it is symbolic of her submission.
When trying to think of our rules it was quite difficult. PS passed the post over to me to get my perspective on things but I really think he just couldn’t think of any others we have.
There is a good reason for this. I think this is because they have become so much of our day to day lives that we don’t see them as D/s rules anymore, or perhaps even part of D/s at all. They have just become part of how I feel and act toward PS.
I think this has a double edge to it. Yes it is good that we have gotten into such a flow with D/s that everything just comes naturally to me, even to the extent that I am not aware that I change my behaviour accordingly. An example of this is PS likes me to stand on a certain side of him when we are out, I guess it is a rule he set a while back. It was more for practical purposes. We usually hold hands or I hold his arm if we are out with the pushchair and along with this being the side away from traffic, it also is the side that PS preferred due to the other aching from work. I automatically just go to that side of PS now, unconsciously.
The bad side of rules and even rituals feeling more natural is I feel I need more. More to keep my submissive self satisfied and more to feel like I am under his control. We have written a few times about how we have felt like D/s has dropped, but during these times the rules and rituals are still observed. What once was a key in keeping our D/s fresh for us has now become the norm.
Perhaps it is time to have a rethink of the rules and evaluate what we are looking for now, even what direction we want our D/s to go in. We are coming up to being in D/s for a year and so much has changed from the beginning. A look at it with more knowledgeable eyes might be the thing we need.