Orgasms feels great, I can highly recommend them. That deep need for orgasm can feel primal, a way of asserting my Dominance. Of course there are other pleasures to be had as well, anticipation, the build up, the intimacy. Being in a D/s relationship heightens all of these feelings. As our play evolves, the way I view orgasms changes too.
There was a general feeling before this lifestyle that littlegem has her orgasm(s) then I have mine, done. My orgasm bringing a finality to proceeding. Now things are a little different, in some ways my orgasm isn’t a climax of play, more a result of our intimacy. Having an orgasm has become more fluid (could have phrased that better). Many times we’ve done a scene such as impact play, had aftercare and gone to bed, no orgasms. What is important is that we feel that connection between us. You could say that orgasms are no longer seminal.
We play, we get into the right head-space, we stimulate each other. It is time and I want that release. I feel Dominant and masculine and I am ready to express that. The rush in my head tells me I can do anything. I am ready to reach my crescendo.
But then a few seconds later…
The switch is turned off, and instantly everything changes. The sense of power I felt before is lost. The wind is taken out of my sails. It’s easy to see why this feels like an end. Emotionally I become disconnected from what we’ve been doing. What is this feeling, guilt? Shame? I just feel a drop from how I’ve felt previous. Maybe it’s because of the stark contract between the highs I felt previous.
This certainly isn’t always the case, there are many times that we feel that glow together. These feelings have certainly lessened since changing our dynamic.
I think back to a time when masturbation was a cornerstone of my existence, when I was a teenager. Sexual thoughts would get into my head with a deep desire to fulfil those needs. Afterwards I would be ashamed because of my lack of self control. Maybe I still harbour those old feelings post orgasm, even if there is no reason to.
I remember when gem and I were younger, we hadn’t been ‘dating’ for long and she asked a very scary question.
“How much do you masturbate?”
I can feel myself panicking. How much do normal people masturbate? Don’t want her to know the truth, she’ll run away. I can’t remember my exact answer but it was something like:
“I don’t know, like 2-3 times a week.”
You know, a big ol’ lie. It was a while before I could tell her the truth, although knowing my sex drive I think she knew before then. I had just became accustomed to lying about it.
I also lied about the wet dreams I had. The shame of waking up and knowing instantly, “urgh”. This is followed by sneaking off the bathroom to clean the dried semen off my skin. Taking a tissue or 3 back to deal with the damage to the bed sheets, how mortifying. To be honest there isn’t really a good way of hiding it from your partner so I don’t know why I even tried. Usually it would happen around times I felt certain life pressures. In the year since starting D/s it has only happened once, which is good. I am also more open about it than I was before. Having this open discussion has been of great help.
My brain needs to re-wire to this D/s. To understand why I still occasionally feel some of the old feelings. Now don’t get me wrong what we have and what we do is incredible. So much positivity has come from being with littlegem, entering into the dynamic we have now has strengthened what we have. The sex life we have is much greater than I could ever imagine. But being able to talk about our fantasies and kinks openly and honestly without fear of rejection has by far been the most positive change.