I have come to accept that I feel vulnerable more often than I really want to.
Since beginning a D/s relationship with littlegem the communication between us has become immeasurably better. Not that there was a problem before, we have always been close and talked lots. It’s that we are now completely open, maybe it’s because of the trust or simply that we make more time for each other’s needs. Along with the physical connection and the emotional well being, being able to communicate our true selves has been of great help to me. It allows us to speak up, about our kinks, our fantasy’s.
But what I wasn’t prepared for was the other stuff. By being able to speak up and be open I have communicated thoughts I haven’t been able to before. ‘I’ve never told anyone that’ I would think to myself.
It can feel like a weight off your mind, a way of releasing trapped demons. But it can also bring what you’d forgotten and pushed to the back of your mind to the front. All the thoughts I put away in a little box, taped up and stored away deep in the memory now open up. For me this leads to over analysis. Why did I let myself get in that situation? Why didn’t I say something? Amongst others.
“You’re very quiet tonight” she’ll say. I haven’t realised, as far as I’m concerned I’ve had a full conversation in my head. I make my apologies and try to move on. By having regular communication I can be open in a healthy way, rather than bottling it up. It may not be right then, but at some point when we take the time to discuss. I don’t like that D/s brings up feelings in the way it does. I can struggle to deal with and understand my own emotions. But I accept that it is part of having that deeper connection.
It is far from the big fix. I still need to learn how to be more vulnerable. To have littlegem come downstairs to hear me smashing things and crying isn’t a good look. In these times I’m not there for gem like I should be.
Generally speaking being in a D/s relationship has given me the self-respect I need. I have a safe space to share my thoughts rather than fester. I can talk when I feel comfortable. I wish I had this self-respect earlier in my life. I feel shame and regret and those feelings can be difficult to shake off.
My D/s relationship means I own my feeling, my vulnerability. I grow and I learn and get better. Sometimes I will let emotions get the better of me and will behave in a self-destructive way. I acknowledge what I need to improve and I do better. I am thankful to have gem and to have a supportive online community.