I have been thinking about this word a lot recently, being vulnerable. Not just because I saw it as the prompt for Tell Me About, but a few things that have happened in my life recently that threw me. I think that for a long time I decided that it wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to feel vulnerable, it’s scary and something negative, i’m not sure it was something I even thought anyone would be trying to seek or feel. I looked up a definition in the Cambridge dictionary “able to be easily physically, emotionally, or mentally hurt, influenced, or attacked.” I mean what person in their right mind would want to feel these things. I’ve been brought up to be strong and independent, emotions were something to hide or avoid. For me the idea of being vulnerable was a weakness.
As I grew up and let someone into my life I obviously made myself vulnerable to him, to be in a relationship I think you need to share parts of you that you hid away previously. Slowly PurpleSole made it ok for me to vulnerable sometimes. Since being in D/s I have realised, for me that it is very important to let myself be vulnerable more than I had been before. At the end of the day D/s is about a power exchange, as a submissive how can this be effectively done if you aren’t willing to become vulnerable by giving up control. Another reason is that part of what lies as a kink for me is being hurt, emotionally and physically. If I don’t let myself trust PS and open myself up to being vulnerable then things like erotic humiliation can’t be effectively done, or worse they could be done without all the information about what buttons of mine to press and what to avoid. It is something that I really enjoy, the feelings that it provokes in me.
The most vulnerable parts of play for me are the ones that allow me to be cared for. Letting myself become puppy or ruby were massive steps for me, they enable me to be something that I can’t in my every-day life and they are where I feel my most free and submissive. I know that I still distance myself from these parts of me, by only referring to them in a third person. I in no way think that I have completely mastered being vulnerable or even if I need to.
I think blogging and chatting with other D/s couples has enabled me to take my vulnerability further, I’m no longer just sharing that side of me (the side most would consider weird) with PS, i’m sharing it with anyone who reads our blog. We have both been open and shared things that are very intimate to ourselves and have had lovely and positive feedback. I no longer see being vulnerable as a negative thing, it is something to embrace to be able to grow.
I have used this photo as it is one that I was not sure of, it makes me feel very vulnerable because of the position I am in and how my stomach looks. PS really liked it and has edited it in a way that I can look and see more good points than bad. Progress!