It is ok to fail.
PurpleSole and I have a lot of time to talk and discuss things. We have always been very open with each other and feel happy to chat about most things. A topic that has come up a lot lately is around playing with others. This is not something we have ever explored before, the thought of which would have been inconceivable for me before D/s. I would have said I was a very jealous person and the idea of PS even watching me with another woman wouldn’t have sat well with me. Jealous and afraid that PS may enjoy seeing someone else more than me. Things are very different now, I trust PS entirely, not that I didn’t before, but D/s has paved the way for a new kind of trust in him and perhaps in myself as well. The idea of playing with others does get me going, I have many fantasies around the subject. Although not of the same nature, I did fantasies before we were in D/s as well. I still have reservations though, fears of how I might look, fears of my ability. Fears that it might end in failure.
No one likes the feeling of failing but if you live your life avoiding failure then you never try anything different, you also never find out that you may be good at things or enjoy things that you have never tried. I am starting to realise that I have been prone to the latter, not in all things, but at least in some areas of my life I have not done something because I may not be very good at it. I have assumed that I would fail so I didn’t risk attempting it in the first place.
Risk is the correct word for how I felt. It was a risk. The outcome was never certain so I didn’t want to risk a negative one. I mean who would? Who does things that they may not enjoy or may be bad at, this was the way I looked at it. Turns out the answer is most people, most people live their day-to-day lives taking varying degrees of risk and not imploding if it didn’t work out. I have many examples of risks I didn’t take, I won’t bore you with them all but a few that stick out. I always wanted to go horse riding, it looked like fun and fits well with my love of animals. To this day I haven’t ever got on a horse, it’s not the end of the world that I haven’t but it’s the reasons why I haven’t which bug me. The first reason, I was never taken when I was younger, my mum always exclaimed a fear of horses so wouldn’t even consider it. The second was when I did have the ability to take myself when older I got as far as looking at places that I could have some lessons. The lessons never got booked as I just assumed I would be terrible at it anyway so what was the point.
The two reasons bug me because they are linked. It was ingrained in me that one, I must be bad at most things and two, that failure wasn’t an option. Now don’t get me wrong I am not trying to blame all my faults on my parents, I had a nice childhood and I am lucky that I am close with my family. But, yes there is always a big but. I grew up thinking and being told that I wasn’t good at anything. I’m not entirely sure how it came about or when it started but at some point I just accepted it and went with it, playing to it almost. I remember when at school taking the year 6 SAT’s and getting fairly good results, the comments I received were that I must have copied someone else’s tests. Maybe they were in jest, who knows, but my parents knew me well enough to know how sensitive I was and would take things to heart. So over the years I guess as a defence mechanism I played dumb, acting as if I didn’t know what people meant or playing my abilities down. An example of this was when applying to Universities I had to write an essay to be sent with my application and which the head of my sixth form would check first. I thought I wrote a pretty good essay, I had used some Latin phrases which I knew as I enjoyed teaching myself new things. It fit with the context of the essay so didn’t seem like I was trying to be douchey or anything. When sitting with the head of year he questioned if I had received any help with the writing, I hadn’t but agreed that I had. If I didn’t put myself out there, risk anything, I couldn’t get hurt.
Failure for me wasn’t an option. I would rather have not done something than risk failing at it if I tried. It wasn’t until I got to the working world that this changed slightly. After all the years of assuming I was rubbish, I started to listen to the feedback which was saying the opposite. This might have been in conjunction with me growing up and moving out of the family home also. I found that I was not bad at the jobs I did but actually pretty good at them. The career I was heading on before having children showed this to me the most. I worked hard and learnt new skills and got to the point that I felt ok to take a risk and apply for a higher position in the company. The risk paid off as I was accepted, the only drawback being that I had to get some additional qualifications whilst working. That’s when I had a big failure, I didn’t pass the first section of the qualification (by one measly mark) at that point I gave in, I had decided that I clearly couldn’t do it and just put it aside. I was lucky that the company went though a bit of a reshuffle at that point so the deadline for me obtaining the qualification got extended and sort of forgotten about for a bit. It wasn’t until things had settled and a new, very much impending timescale was put in place that I got back to the books and re-sat the test. But, not before PurpleSole had to talk me out of quitting the job entirely and helped me to make time to study. I managed to pass the first, second and final part of the qualification in a couple of weeks and gained a huge amount of achievement from doing this. I had a glimpse that putting myself out there and taking a risk, although it took some work and a big push from PS, did pay off in the end.
What is my point you ask, my point is that I want to be able to be pushed to do new things. Things that we might enjoy or might not. I want PS to feel like it is not going to break me if it did end in failure, I am getting to a point where I am much stronger now, D/s has made us stronger. My point also is that it shouldn’t matter either way. I don’t know if playing with others is something me and PS will do, but I don’t want the reason for not doing it because I may not like it, or be very good at it. The reason shouldn’t be because I am afraid of failing.
It is ok to fail.