This is an area of our dynamic I haven’t written about before. I have spoken about it on The SWC chats but not on here. I know PurpleSole has been wanting me to write about it for a while but I just haven’t put anything down. Many a time I have writing posts in my head, I often do this or have conversations with people but in my head before even talking things through with PS. I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to feel comfortable with it. Well that’s a lie, I do know but I’m not willing to share that part. It seems silly to me but I think writing about things helps to put things in perspective and sometimes it uncovers things that I guess I have not wanted to be uncovered yet.
So here goes. Part out our dynamics and really a part of me is ruby. Ruby is my little side. I refer to her in the third person, sorry if that’s confusing but that’s just what feels right to me. When we originally started our D/s dynamic PS got me to write a traffic light list of limits. Red for hard limits, stuff I never wanted to try. Amber for limits I was willing to explore but taking it slow and green for things that were fine for PS to do whenever. A pre consent if you will. Age play was firmly in my red list. We have young children and at that point in time it seemed wrong to explore age play. It also was not something I thought I would be interested in whatsoever.
I think I was extremely ignorant when making the list, I wasn’t well informed and only had pre conceptions to go on which were incorrect. Later on down the line when discussing the red list PS actually admitted to me that he thought this limit would change in time, without any input from himself. He just knew me better than I knew myself. Thinking about it now, it seems so obviously a part of me that I’m not sure why I never thought of it before.
I don’t think there was one isolated event that changed my mind. The SWC chats helped a lot with talking about different areas of play, different dynamics etc that we hadn’t experienced and also meeting other littles on there. Talking with other littles and seeing that some were in similar positions with young children and it worked fine made me realise that it was OK for us to explore. I remember kneeling one night at the foot of the bed, looked up and saw the glow in the dark stars I had put on our bedroom ceiling when we decorated years ago and smiled to myself. Something had clicked, a switch had been flicked and I was ready to accept it. After PS allowed me into the bed I tentatively brought the subject up with him, he hugged me and gave me a reassuring talk along with a ‘well this was glaringly obviously a part of you and always has been,’ kind of look.
Before our D/s and before having children I had bath toys and Play-Doh. I sometimes asked for bedtime stories from PS when I didn’t want to go to sleep. In PS wedding grooms speech he talked about loving the ‘fun’ side of me, how it was so different to him but he liked watching me play with silly things like robot fish. See I told you it should have been obvious. I guess somethings are hard to see in yourself.
How it works for us is we have nights that we don’t have play scheduled so if I feel like it ruby will come out. She’s not a part of me that it as strongly present all the time, I like to keep it a bit more separate. Sometimes she does ‘pop up’ say in the supermarket and a sparky toy catches her eye and PS can usually tell. She will often get a ‘Hello ruby’ in her ear that always makes her giggle. Things may change in the future, they usually do. But that’s how I am comfortable with it at the moment.
Ruby likes sparkles, colouring and watching ‘My Little Pony’. PS has said she seems around 6 or 7 years old. She likes ribbons for her hair, long sock and has a rainbow tutu. When being ruby PS becomes Daddy, he cares and nurtures her and makes her feel very safe and loved. Ruby enables my vulnerable side to come out and there have been times when I’ve felt like a can’t deal with situations so the ruby part takes over. PS has then taken the lead and made ruby feel secure. Ruby also allows my cheeky playful side to surface in a way that isn’t disrespectful to PS and doesn’t inhibit my submissiveness.
I am thankful that D/s has allowed me to express this side of myself more and although some past memories did get awoken as a result, ultimately D/s has facilitated us to work through it together. I have been able to open up and explore my little side through the play and through PS care for ruby. I am glad that I have accepted the little in me.