The Fun-Dom-mentals

I’m an idiot.
Or I haven’t listened properly.
It’s most probably a combination of the two.

Ever since we began our D/s journey I have been trying to create a dynamic that is good for us both. One that gives me the confidence to take the lead and gem the security to feel safe. It is a constant evolution and I am the one steering the change.

When we first started there were elements that I was uncomfortable with. Over time I did my research, had lengthy chats with gem and became happier taking our kink in a new direction. We talk in depth about how our play makes us feel and in some ways it has been like a practice, testing the waters so that we may get an understanding of our limits.

Generally speaking gem limits are deeper than my own, I’ll give a few examples:

– Being choked, during sex it can be part of that emotive passion. During everyday life I can push her against a wall with my hand around her neck, useful if she needs calming down.

– Having a knife blade put against her skin. She admits to wanting to have a blade put against her neck.

– Master/slave play dynamic where she must not talk or make eye contact and follow all commands as directed.

– CNC, during agreed play times. Part of a primal play, fantasies have included being chased down.


All of these we have done, all have created conflict within me because I have had to take time even to be comfortable doing them. My biggest issue has been that it doesn’t feel like me. It’s almost like I must pretend to be someone I’m not. Maybe it’s my problem with my own (lack of) masculinity, I felt like she was wanting me to be this other person. A person that is aggressive and takes what he wants without regard for her. Feeling that by being more distant and mean that she has no control, because that’s what she wants right?

No, it’s not.

I can be in control in an authoritative manner without it coming around as mean. So when we play, for example during impact play, it can be done so in a friendly way. I am not the dungeon master, a sadist to her emotions. Yes she may enjoy being humiliated and degraded but it has to be done in the right way.

9 months it has taken to figure this out, way too long. To work out that we need to play in a way we are both comfortable, not in the way I think she might like. We’ll still do the same scenes and play, but with a friendlier attitude. After all, what we are is fun and that’s what I want to show, the fun of our dynamic and the fun of writing about it.

Even if it can be a bit silly sometimes.

Who I am is someone that enjoys the nuturing side of our play. My favourite time is when gem is in her own headspace, away from everyday stress with me faciliating that by being a care-giver to her.

I am myself, not this ‘other’ person.
I am sometimes unsure of myself but that’s ok.
I am always learning and changing. 
I am vulnerable.
I am fallible.

This is who I am.

14 Replies to “The Fun-Dom-mentals

  1. Great title and an honest post. It is nice to read about a well balanced and natural relationship that is not flowered by imagery and poetic licence. This type of self reflection is as import to you as it is to others trying to find their way.

    1. Thanks HL, I probably spend too long thinking of the title, rather than the content of the post. It’s nice to hear from other Dom’s about this sort of thing.

  2. Just rt this on Twitter. I know that I can speak for Cuiplash when I say that he also experienced the same thing, and I as his sub. Learning and reflection are so valuable, and those lightbulb moments are the lanterns along the path of works best for you, thanks for sharing x

    1. Thanks kis, one day I will figure out how to use Twitter properly. We do a lot of learning and reflection so hopefully I’ll look back on this at some point to see how far I’ve grown.

      1. You’re welcome, I don’t think we ever stop tbh, it continues to reveal layers, connections and light bulb moments even years later and I’m sure you’re growing all the time in your dynamic.

    1. Thanks sweet, I was sitting on this post and didn’t know if to post or not.

      Btw congrats on the Sinful Sunday, i did like your image

  3. Yes, this is spot on! We have been discussing similar issues – self doubt, confidence, fully relinquishing control, etc. We will keep communicating and keep supporting each other and it will only benefit us in the long run. Really great post! I showed Sir how to follow you, so he can now see your posts! ?

    1. Thanks blue, its good to hear from other people that they have similer experiences.

      Oh, what if he gets bad habits from me lol. I don’t think total relinquishing of control is ever really going to happen with family etc around but we can do things to make it the best it can be by talking and working together.

  4. Really well written PS. Personally, I don’t think it’s a lack of masculinity to be naturally kind and gentle with a female. I think that’s actually more masculine! We’ve had the same struggle of bringing impact play, humiliation, etc into a 20 year marriage built on mutual love and respect. It was hard also for my Queen to see it wasn’t unloving or unkind to do some things my more masochistic desires wanted. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thank you for your comments, they are comforting to hear. I guess we’re always learning what each other wants. For me it has always been an issue overcoming how I feel about certain aspects of our dynamic. What’s most important is that I get the positive feedback that I need to feel good about myself. So having that relationship built on trust and love definatly isn’t a bad thing.

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