I’m an idiot.
Or I haven’t listened properly.
It’s most probably a combination of the two.
Ever since we began our D/s journey I have been trying to create a dynamic that is good for us both. One that gives me the confidence to take the lead and gem the security to feel safe. It is a constant evolution and I am the one steering the change.
When we first started there were elements that I was uncomfortable with. Over time I did my research, had lengthy chats with gem and became happier taking our kink in a new direction. We talk in depth about how our play makes us feel and in some ways it has been like a practice, testing the waters so that we may get an understanding of our limits.
Generally speaking gem limits are deeper than my own, I’ll give a few examples:
– Being choked, during sex it can be part of that emotive passion. During everyday life I can push her against a wall with my hand around her neck, useful if she needs calming down.
– Having a knife blade put against her skin. She admits to wanting to have a blade put against her neck.
– Master/slave play dynamic where she must not talk or make eye contact and follow all commands as directed.
– CNC, during agreed play times. Part of a primal play, fantasies have included being chased down.
All of these we have done, all have created conflict within me because I have had to take time even to be comfortable doing them. My biggest issue has been that it doesn’t feel like me. It’s almost like I must pretend to be someone I’m not. Maybe it’s my problem with my own (lack of) masculinity, I felt like she was wanting me to be this other person. A person that is aggressive and takes what he wants without regard for her. Feeling that by being more distant and mean that she has no control, because that’s what she wants right?
No, it’s not.
I can be in control in an authoritative manner without it coming around as mean. So when we play, for example during impact play, it can be done so in a friendly way. I am not the dungeon master, a sadist to her emotions. Yes she may enjoy being humiliated and degraded but it has to be done in the right way.
9 months it has taken to figure this out, way too long. To work out that we need to play in a way we are both comfortable, not in the way I think she might like. We’ll still do the same scenes and play, but with a friendlier attitude. After all, what we are is fun and that’s what I want to show, the fun of our dynamic and the fun of writing about it.
Even if it can be a bit silly sometimes.
Who I am is someone that enjoys the nuturing side of our play. My favourite time is when gem is in her own headspace, away from everyday stress with me faciliating that by being a care-giver to her.
I am myself, not this ‘other’ person.
I am sometimes unsure of myself but that’s ok.
I am always learning and changing.
I am vulnerable.
I am fallible.
This is who I am.