I’ve been feeling a bit detached lately. There’s a few things that have been going on in our lives and they are each taking parts of me away. I just hope there’s enough of me left to be able to re-build.
I decided to give up breastfeeding my youngest. It’s slightly earlier than I was planning but it just felt like the right time. It was a difficult decision, I felt selfish and like I had failed. I know realistically she really won’t know or care either way but I am not the type of person to give up, usually. It has been a long and difficult journey feeding her; tongue tie, destroyed nipples and her dairy allergy, all parts of the reason. But I felt like I had achieved something getting over all those things to stop short by only a few months. Also I made the decision when feeling in a bad place, I should’ve given it more time. Or at least gave up slowly rather than cold turkey. Not the smartest choice in the world, now I have to contend with engorged blocked ducts. Great.
I know time will move on and my guilt will fade. I know when she reaches a year it will all be forgotten and I will feel silly for getting so upset over what must seem like a trivial thing to everyone else. The logical part of me knows this, just need to let the annoying over-emotional part catch up.
I try to make the best possible use of my time, but by doing this I end up giving myself too much to do. Unrealistic goals to achieve in my day. I feel a pressure to have the house looking great, a nice healthy meal ready for when PurpleSole gets home, exercise enthusiastically completed and of course my children to have a fun filled educational day. I should point out PS isn’t the one pressuring me to do all this, although I am punished for not doing exercise that was my choice to help motivate me. There just isn’t enough time in a day to achieve this and not enough energy to achieve this everyday for a week, let alone every week. By the end of a week, or Wednesday I’m done. I end up feeling drained but drag myself to carry on. Let’s face it everything still need to be done and I don’t do things by half’s. I know something needs to change but at the moment I’m not sure what. I guess a balance needs to be sought.
They say time flies when you’re having fun, I’m not totally convinced, I think time flies no matter what. Fun or not, it always seems to be slipping away from us. PS and I were recently at the hospital, the doctor’s assistant was looking at me with impatience. I was stuttering and looking for PS to come up with the answer. It was a simple question but I had no concept of how much time had passed. I blurted 6 months in a panic. When we got to the car and my head had cleared I realised it was more like 10, luckily it was irrelevant. The specialist decided all is well so health scare averted.
I should be happy and able to leave it there. I think I’ve gotten into such a hypersensitive state recently that it’s feeling impossible to just let go. Hopefully with the upcoming holiday and PS having a nice chunk of time off work I will be able to find myself again. Sharing the child duties will really help, although I know that in all likelihood I won’t be able to relax until after Christmas day. Just need to get the formalities out of the way, the expected behaviour at family functions. Then we may be able to have a good time and time permitted, hopefully some play time as well.