Time Always Makes It Better

I’ve been feeling a bit detached lately. There’s a few things that have been going on in our lives and they are each taking parts of me away. I just hope there’s enough of me left to be able to re-build.

I decided to give up breastfeeding my youngest. It’s slightly earlier than I was planning but it just felt like the right time. It was a difficult decision, I felt selfish and like I had failed. I know realistically she really won’t know or care either way but I am not the type of person to give up, usually. It has been a long and difficult journey feeding her; tongue tie, destroyed nipples and her dairy allergy, all parts of the reason. But I felt like I had achieved something getting over all those things to stop short by only a few months. Also I made the decision when feeling in a bad place, I should’ve given it more time. Or at least gave up slowly rather than cold turkey. Not the smartest choice in the world, now I have to contend with engorged blocked ducts. Great.

I know time will move on and my guilt will fade. I know when she reaches a year it will all be forgotten and I will feel silly for getting so upset over what must seem like a trivial thing to everyone else. The logical part of me knows this, just need to let the annoying over-emotional part catch up.

I try to make the best possible use of my time, but by doing this I end up giving myself too much to do. Unrealistic goals to achieve in my day. I feel a pressure to have the house looking great, a nice healthy meal ready for when PurpleSole gets home, exercise enthusiastically completed and of course my children to have a fun filled educational day. I should point out PS isn’t the one pressuring me to do all this, although I am punished for not doing exercise that was my choice to help motivate me. There just isn’t enough time in a day to achieve this and not enough energy to achieve this everyday for a week, let alone every week. By the end of a week, or Wednesday I’m done. I end up feeling drained but drag myself to carry on. Let’s face it everything still need to be done and I don’t do things by half’s. I know something needs to change but at the moment I’m not sure what. I guess a balance needs to be sought.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, I’m not totally convinced, I think time flies no matter what. Fun or not, it always seems to be slipping away from us. PS and I were recently at the hospital, the doctor’s assistant was looking at me with impatience. I was stuttering and looking for PS to come up with the answer. It was a simple question but I had no concept of how much time had passed. I blurted 6 months in a panic. When we got to the car and my head had cleared I realised it was more like 10, luckily it was irrelevant. The specialist decided all is well so health scare averted.

I should be happy and able to leave it there. I think I’ve gotten into such a hypersensitive state recently that it’s feeling impossible to just let go. Hopefully with the upcoming holiday and PS having a nice chunk of time off work I will be able to find myself again. Sharing the child duties will really help, although I know that in all likelihood I won’t be able to relax until after Christmas day. Just need to get the formalities out of the way, the expected behaviour at family functions. Then we may be able to have a good time and time permitted, hopefully some play time as well.

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18 Replies to “Time Always Makes It Better

  1. I hope that you are soon able to relax and feel a bit better. I can relate to the setting of unrealistic targets though as I do that all the time ?

  2. Sounds to me like you need PS to perhaps step in and make your goals for you. Perhaps he can make them more realistic for the place you’re in. MrH often says part of what he does includes protecting me from myself. And by that he means stopping me from overdoing it. 95% of the time he succeeds. But I feel better for having realistic goals and less stressed.

    With regards breast feeding I applaud you for your success. I had no support and gave up on feeding both my boys within days. I do wish I’d been able to even if just for a little while, but I look back and know that I did the best I could with the resources I had. And they have both turned out pretty well.

    I hope your discomfort settles soon… I remember being told aspirin dries up your milk quickly, I don’t know if that’s of any help??

    In the mean time, be kind to yourself and I’m sending you a virtual hug ?

    1. Thank you for your comment, I think that’s a good idea, I will bring it up with PS.

      I haven’t heared about the aspirin before but I have been putting cabbage leaves in my bra as its meant to help. I do smell like cabbage now though…

      Thank you again and I do like virtual hugs 🙂

      1. I’ve no idea if the aspirin works but I do hope you feel more comfortable soon xx I did find an article that said peppermint oil was soothing and mint / peppermint tea also helps ❤️

  3. Goals are tough to make and follow through on some times. Give yourself some peace ad grace and hopefully after the holidays it will be better!!

  4. With regards the breast feeding….. drain off some of the milk for now, letting out the pressure but not enough to really get you making much more and gradually decrease the amount. It wil stop the pain and discomfort and mean you are less likely to get mastitis. Oh and be proud of what you have achieved, you have sustained your baby in life not only in your body but outside it too. That is an amazing thing

    Mollyx

    1. Thank you. I’ve been expressing but perhaps not enough, I keep getting blocked ducts so have to get rid of them which takes days of more intense expressing. I guess I thought it would have stopped by now!

  5. 10 months is a good time to nurse a baby. Every baby will have their own timetable as to when it makes sense to stop. Having a goal is ok, but these are the type of goals that are more ideas than anything else. Ideas change as more information becomes available. It isn’t a failure as much as a re-evaluation! Stay well!!

  6. Having recently stopped breastfeeding my dairy allergy child who was tongue tied at birth I know it is damn hard work. Congratulations on making it this far, supermum. You are to be saluted. You are not silly. It is not trivial. It is ok to feel emotional. All these feelings are perfectly normal and shared by breastfeeding mothers everywhere. I cried my eyes out! But I’m a firm believer in ‘fed is best’, not ‘breast is best’. Feed your child in the best way that fits you and your family. Do not feel guilty. Your child is loved and that is the most important factor.

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