This last week has been more emotional than we expected. There was no big event or change in our lives. It was to do with the things we haven’t spoken about. The nasty thoughts and memories that we want to push to the back of our minds and never see again. But life doesn’t work that way, if you don’t deal with it then it can fester inside, consuming you.
Our D/s lifestyle has opened up our thoughts and feelings. We have learnt new kinks and found out so much about ourselves. The relationship has become deeper, much more than we thought possible. We know each other so intimately.
These thoughts, our sexual preferences, the dark desires have brought with it some past negativity. Normally we are quite up front about our feelings but there are some things we would rather not say. Although we both aren’t ready to discuss the details on here, we feel it’s important to express how we feel about opening up to each other.
The following are the results of two separate events and conversations.
On Littlegem’s mind-
It had been on my mind for weeks, some play PS and I were doing had bought it to the surface. Not something I wanted to think about during play at all, like flashbacks reminding me, taunting me. I had shared parts of it with PS fairly early on in our relationship but not really opening up about it, I only shared the parts I felt comfortable to give. I thought that would be enough and I could just push it away and forget. Wrong.
I don’t know why I didn’t just share with him at least that it was on my mind, even if not the details. I just couldn’t, I was worried that he wouldn’t want to play with me anymore if he thought it was linked somehow. I guess I just wasn’t willing to give him the control and find out.
So it bubbled away and then started to seep out when I was chatting with a friend, I just couldn’t keep it in any longer and I’m lucky she is someone who really listens and knows when someone isn’t right in themselves. I am immensely grateful for the support she gave me and have apologised profusely for my emotional outburst. It’s not usually like me at all. PS was able to catch me from my emotional state and bring me back. We talked for days on and off about it and other things that we should have shared a long time ago. We have known each other for so long and although we’re aware of each others dark bits, only the surface that we allowed each other to see. There is more to give but I’m not ready yet. But I know when I am that PS will be there.
I couldn’t say it. I didn’t know how to. I was worried what Gem would think of me, that I wasn’t who she thought I was. It’s silly because she knew but most of what I wanted to say.
I wrote it all down one night when I couldn’t sleep. I then left it, knowing it was there for when I was ready. The words were like a story, someone else’s story. I was he and all others were similar pronouns. It helped to have that distance that would come from saying it myself as ‘me’.
Then when I was ready I showed Gem, we were in bed and I held on to her as she read it. I was shaking at the thought of her reading it but deep down I knew this was a good thing. I soon felt composed, safe. But then she finished reading, she held me back tighter and told me how much she loved me. I instantly felt a release of emotions and cried uncontrollably.
Since then we have felt so much better and we are as close as ever. We are lucky to have each other that we can be vulnerable with. As a man I feel it’s important to encourage communication. It can be difficult to show weakness, it’s as if it conflicts with what it means to be in control.