Hardwired to Self Destruct

I’ve never heard of a Dom that said that it came naturally to them. It needs to be worked on, always self evaluating and improving. We’re only 7 months into our D/s journey and while glad of the change it has installed in me, I am all to aware of the improvements I need to make. There are so many ways that our dynamic has improved, it has brought happiness and calm to our relationship, creating a stable rock for us to cling to as we go through life. However there are times when things get lost, a loss of confidence and with it a need to self loath.

Last week it was the Christmas light switch on in the city. So Gem and I, along with our girls, Bubbles and Persil (nicknames, not real) decide to go with friends. It was a Thursday night so I asked work to leave early that day. I’d planned it so as soon as I walk through the door we put coats on the kids and go straight out. Gem is ready too so we’re quickly on our way. The roads are busy, it’s rush hour so the going is slow. It shouldn’t stress me out but this time it does.
I’m worried we’ll be late, everything has to be on time to work. We need to be in the city and at the restaurant by 5.30 and finished before 7 because that’s when the lights are turned on. Persil is crying, she’s got an ear infection, we were thinking of not going at all but she seems ok. We’re going to an Italian restaurant we’ve never been to and the dairy free options for Gem are limited. To be honest I’ve not really had time to look at the menu. I do hope we get there on time, our friends too, they are known to be habitually tardy. Of course once the meal is finished, assuming nothing goes wrong we will see the switch on. With it will be fireworks, something our 2 year and 9 month old have not seen. I’ve put off seeing fireworks before because they’re so young, but I guess they have to at some point.

These are the thoughts that were stressing me out. I get myself in a panicky state that I can’t shake. I make a wrong turn on a route I’ve made plenty of times before and my body just feels hot. I can feel my own pulse and I don’t want to talk. Gem tries to calm me down but I give her short snappy answers.

Everyone makes it to the restaurant in time. Gem asks if I’m picking her meal, I say “no”. The staff are accommodating to our dietary concerns but even still I’m not in any mood to choose for her. The meal itself goes fine, but I don’t talk much as I’m making sure Bubbles eats her meatballs and spaghetti and not feeding the floor.

After the meal it’s switch on time, lights turn on fireworks go off. Persil isn’t bothered, Bubbles grips onto Gem but that is it. It’s not until we’re heading home that I feel my body relax, dropping from its high alert state. We get home and go to bed early, I’m done.

I have been awful, I apologise to Gem for worrying and not being as sociable as I could be. I spend Friday thinking about why I let myself get worked up so easily. I think quite negatively about myself and the sort of person I am. I go to bed that evening without all the answers.

I wake up the following morning and I know immediately what’s happened. Urgh. I don’t know how else to say it. I have ejaculated in my sleep. I feel pathetic and deeply ashamed. It hasn’t happened for a while, at least not since our D/s started. It normally happens when I’m not feeling my happiest. So it just feels like I’ve regressed, I’m a fully grown man for fucks sake! Well that’s if you call 5ft 6 fully grown.
It’s a Saturday morning and I’m going to work and I’m angry at myself. The last couple of days haven’t been my best, I’ve been a terrible Dom. I open up by myself, I’ve brought speakers so I can play music while I work. I play the angriest and darkest music I have. In absence of Gem, music is my way of bringing myself up. Singing sometimes screaming on my own helps and is a cathartic way of releasing my anger. After an hour or so I’ve got what I need out of my system. Sometimes I don’t have the answers but I know what can get me in a place to be the person I need to be to those around me.

6 Replies to “Hardwired to Self Destruct

  1. Thank you for sharing such a personal post.

    For me, being out of my comfort zone brings anxiety and that stresses me out. Perhaps the concept of being a Dom and in control was challenged by the external forces that you couldn’t control? Traffic, your friends etc?

    1. Thanks Sweet. Yeah sometimes the thought of controlling everything can get too much and just feels overwhelming. It’s just finding ways of dealing with it.

  2. Thanks for such an honest, personal post. I can relate to using music as a kind of therapy. I turn up Muse as loud as I can stand and rock it all out of my system. Not sure the neighbours appreciate it though!

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